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Day in Crock Report

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I am pleased to bring you the new Day in Crock. The old rock people were fired because they took these silly rock and pop stars way too seriously. My name is Rikki Dixx and I'll be your guide from now on. Most of what passes for music right now is a joke and most music news isn't worth reporting so the Day in Crock will expose what a joke the music business has become. I will be ably aided by Dolly Doppelganger with her special reports. Let's get to it? .

Guns N' Soda Record Deal

Rikki Dixx reports: We have expected Axl Rose to come up with a creative way to release the long awaited Guns N' Roses opus "Chinese Democracy," but a rumor we heard has us baffled and amazed.

Word has it that Axl's new management is negotiating a deal with soft drink maker Dr. Pepper to release the album. Details are sketchy at best but we heard that the company would pay off Axl's old label for the rights to album and then run a promotion with Dr. GNR Pepper points on their products that fans would collect to earn the album.

Once a fan consumed enough Dr. Pepper and collected enough points they would be able to go to a special website and download a high resolution digital copy of the album. Those that want a physical CD will need to collect even more Dr. GNR Pepper points. There will be merch and ticket giveaways as well. If we hear anything more about this, we'll let you know, but for now start drinking Dr Pepper. - more on this story

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RIAA Sue Funeral Homes

Rikki Dixx reports: The RIAA launched a new offensive in their war against their customers on Monday when the organization filed lawsuits against 666 funeral homes.

The record industry group claim that the funeral homes have been engaging in unauthorized public broadcasts of copyrighted work and have not paid for proper licensing to play RIAA material at funerals.

The RIAA reportedly received a tip from Lars Ulrich who was informed by a friend that Metallica's "Fade to Black" was being used during some funerals without compensation to the band. The RIAA investigated and found rampant copyright violations at almost every funeral home across the country.

The 666 funeral homes sued on Monday only represent the first wave of targets, this group concentrated in the Bay Area. The RIAA reportedly plans to file new batches of lawsuits on a monthly basis until all violators have been dealt with. - more on this story

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Pedophile Group Want To Beat It

Rikki Dixx reports: A pedophile advocacy group that call themselves Sexually Inclined Children Outreach Service, have met with some resistance while trying to license Fall Out Boy's cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" for television advertisements.

SICOS want to use the song in a series of "educational" advertisements during this year's election season. A SICOS spokesperson told the Day in Crock that they picked the song because it's message was a perfect fit for their campaign, which aims to end discrimination against pedophiles.

A spokesperson for the band could not be reached by press time. - more on this story

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Limp Bizkit To Make Colossal Announcement April 15th

Rikki Dixx reports: We received an email today that proclaimed "All the ORIGINAL band members of America's most notorious rock band, Limp Bizkit, will make a colossal announcement in Los Angeles on April 15 (location tbd). This will by far be one of the biggest music announcements of the year!!" What makes this curious is that we received an email a couple weeks ago from another band with almost the exact same language, leading us to believe that the two big announcements will be related.

We were able to trackdown a member of Limp Bizkit and this other band for comment, both spoke with us on a condition of anonymity since the one band's management company threatened to sue anyone that divulged their secrets, including band members. We'll refer to the Limp Bizkit member as Bizkit and the member of the other band as Dude.

We first asked them if their colossal announcements were related and had anything to do with a summer tour. Bizkit said, "Yeah, we're really excited and I can't wait until the 15th so I can talk about it in the open." Dude responded, " dude! I died, dude!". We then asked what makes this tour so special from any number of other tours that will be happening this summer. Bizkit responded, "We're really excited to be doing this tour with [other band's name] since they were to music in the 80s what we were in the 90s! We also have a HUGE emo group who's name has something to do with selfishness, love and drugs, that will headline so we can show the kids' of today what nookie rock is all about! What makes this special is we will have band's representing the hottest trends in music for three generations and three decades! It's gonna be off the hook!" Dude simple explained, "dude! I died, dude!". We admitted it's an interesting concept but giving the current status of the band's involved, what makes this one of the most important announcements of the year. Bizkit said, "dude we are the best and people just forgot it. The same with [other band's name]. With this tour we'll be able to remind fifteen hundred to two thousand people a night why they used to love us. We're calling it the 'We're Not Done With You Yet Tour.'" We posed the same question to Dude and he of course responded, "dude! I died, dude!" The interview was disrupted at this point when a lawyer for Dude's management company burst in screaming "I'll sue you, I'll sue you. You are so sued!" - more on this story

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Ozzfest 08 Announced

Rikki Dixx reports: After last year's Freefest debacle, Sharon Inc hopes to resurrect the past glory of previous Ozzfests, which has sagged in recent years. She put on her thinking cap and decided the best option was to have a "Best Of" Ozzfest tour this summer.

Unfortunately, none of the band's would agree to the tour since the cost was too high, so Sharon decided to hire an all-star cover band to perform the hits by past Ozzfest heavyweights like Linkin Park, Adema, Disturbed and Slipknot.

The all-star band will feature former Ozzfest main stage act, the recently reformed Crazy Town and they will be joined by Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne who plan to belt out songs for four hours at each stop. We're told that every band that has every played the festival will get the cover treatment, which the sole exception of Iron Maiden. We're told that Sharon's vendetta against the metal legends had nothing to do with the decision, they are being skipped simply because of Crazy Town's inability to play their music.

Finally, since they couldn't give away tickets last year, Sharon hopes to line up corporate sponsors that will actually pay fans to attend. More on this story as we learn the details. - more on this story

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Fallen Idol Show

Rikki Dixx reports: Fox has reportedly greenlighted a new realty program for next year that will feature former American Idol contestants coming to grips with losing their record deals and instant fame.

We're told the pilot episode features a heart wrenching segment that shows a former Idol winner on a tour of retirement homes made a fateful stop at a Burger King, where he ran into another former contestant working the cash register.

They had a tearful reunion and the winner invited the loser to perform with him that evening at the Viagra Village Retirement Community where they received a standing ovation that was cut short when a 93 year-old woman clapped so hard that she fell and broke her hip.

The series has not yet been named, but it is rumored that Fox's naming committee is leaning towards "When Idols Get Sacked". - more on this story

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Smell Like Teen Spirit

Rikki Dixx reports: We've been told that Nirvana's breakthrough hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit" has been licensed to Right Guard, who will use the anthem in television ads for their new "Teen Spirit" spray and roll-on deodorants.

The company had originally hoped to license music from Avril Lavigne, using the song "Girlfriend" for the teen girls line ads and "Sk8er Boi" for the teen boys line ads but the publishers reportedly asked for too much money.

"That rejection worked in our favor because 'Teen Spirit' ended up being a much better product line name and we'll be able to market both the boys and girls deodorant lines with the same ads and using the same song. It is a match made in nirvana!," said a Right Guard spokesperson. - more on this story

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will.i.am eyes White House Job

Rikki Dixx reports: Political advocacy group Artist for Democrat Dominance are certain that Barack Obama will be the next president and they are already putting together their wish-list for the make-up of the administration. Leading the list is William James Adams, Jr., better known as will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas, whom they hope to secure as the White House Press Secretary in an Obama administration.

A spokesperson for the group told us, "will.i.am has already demonstrated with his campaign videos, that he can bring star power to backup any message Obama would like to convey. In fact, will.i.am is a music innovator and he can bring that same innovation to the job. He could replace the boring press briefings with You Tube videos. The best part is he can make the videos almost instantly since he'll already have a large collection of stars filmed delivering the administration's core messages of 'hope,' 'change,' and "yes we can.' All he'll have to do is plug in the press question and select the appropriate core message to issue as a response. The public are far more likely to believe the stars of Grey's Anatomy answering questions for the White House press corps, over some stuffy shirted spokesperson. Plus it will be totally viral, supporters can post the videos to their blogs, news organizations can run the videos in their broadcasts. It's a win win for everyone".

ADD is also lobbying to place other stars in high-ranking positions. They are hoping to have Sean Penn named Secretary of State, Michael Moore named the Secretary of Defense, Michael Jackson selected as the Secretary of the Treasury and Jon Bon Jovi as the Ambassador to the United Nations. An Obama spokesperson laughed and hung up on us when we called for a comment. - more on this story

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Now Dolly Takes Over

Dolly spent the past two years in a secret bunker with Vice President Chaney, so she really hasn't been able to keep up with music news, so her special dispatches may contain some minor embellishments. Now HEEEERRRRREEEEE's DOLLLLLYYYY!!!

Hannah Montana and Metallica Tour

Dolly Doppelganger reports: Metallica, in an attempt to capture the financial power of the lucrative tween market announced today that they will co-headline a summer tour with Miley Cyrus. And Cyrus is to join the band as a back up vocalist and harpsichordist.

The co-headlining tour will be called "The Best of Both Worlds" and will feature full sets from both Cyrus and Metallica. To commemorate the historic partnership, Metallica's upcoming album is to feature a bonus track that features Cyrus on the touching father/ daughter power ballad version of 'achey, breaky heart' that the band recorded last month at a bay area mall, to test fan reaction.

When Hannah fans heard news of this announcement, concert tickets immediately sold out, despite not being on sale yet. The two have also teamed up for a merch line. Commemorative Hannah/ Metallica lip gloss went on sale today in K Marts & Dollar Trees across the country. With appealing new flavors like Master of Profits, And Justice For Lars, tween goth favorite Blackened and St Equity and old favorites like Hannah Bubbah Gum, this merger is sure to generate loads of cash for these musicians turned business men! - more on this story

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Avril Ashlee Cloning?

Dolly Doppelganger reports: J. Craig Venter PhD, distinguished biologist & founder of the Institute for Geonomic Research, began a quest when after being exposed to the musical favorites of his 13 year-old daughter. He was puzzled when he discovered that the various songs were performed by different singers, because he thought they sounded so much alike. Intrigued he began research to single out a pop gene, which gave today's pop stars their similar nature, but he was not ready for the shocking discovery that he ultimately made.

This shocking discovery threatens to destroy the universe as we know it, and lay waste to an entire system of thought that until now had gone unchallenged. Venter discovered that Ashlee Simpson and Avril Lavigne are a perfect DNA match, as a result, on the molecular level, they are really the same person.

Joe $imp$0n was unavailable for comment at this time. Sources close to the troubled $imp$on family hinted that at the first whisper of fame & fortune, Joe had all his kids cloned, in case there was ever a demand for more $imp$ons that the first born $imp$ons were unable to meet.

Allegedly, after Ashlee's SNL fiasco, the Avril clone was unleashed on Canada, with a made up family & bio. Representatives for the $imp$ons, Avril, and the National Mutton Council all deny this allegation. Stay tuned & see what unfolds!! - more on this story

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An Inconvenient Wager Led To Nobel Prize?

Dolly Doppelganger reports: A Spokesman speaking on the condition of anonymity confided to an undercover antiMusic reporter today that Al Gore didn't really win anything, other than poker game the night before against Ole Danbolt Mjoes, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee.

The embarrassed source revealed "...that fool was so drunk he also 'awarded' the prostitute who popped out of the cake a Nobel Prize in Economics. We were all so wasted it seemed funny at the time- we all knew Ole was kidding, but that Al!...He was so gullible, we hated to tell him the truth, that the joke was on him!' Interestingly, it was only the hooker's inability to understand Ole DM's Norwegian that kept her from pocketing the million dollar prize that fateful day in Oct 2007.

The source went on to reveal that Gore was so blind drunk, that all the other card players, also members of the prize committee, thought he'd forget all about it. So when he called the next day for help in navigating the tricky waters of international tux rentals, committee members realized they had a problem! So they decided to give him the award, disappointing the runners up & leading to at least one suicide & one defection. Over the coming years, the Nobel Prize Committee plans to steer the prizes back toward more worthy winners,. Nominations can be submitted online at howzmyprizing.com - more on this story

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Wait there is more!

Come on! You didn't believe any of that did you?  April Fools! The real Day in Rock will return tomorrow after we check Rikki Dixx back into rehab and send Dolly back to the bunker with the Veep.
 

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