The Three Stoogettes.  by antiGUY

Once upon a time in a corporate boardroom somewhere in America� 

It was a dark and stormy night, according to the worst cliché' ever written, and a group of record company suits gathered in a boardroom for a secret meeting to discuss how they could rescue the music industry from its current slump.  As with most organizations there is often a mole that is more than happy to disclose what transpired during these most secret of meetings. This meeting was no exception and we have been able to get our hands on a transcript of this secret brainstorming session. As you will see the results of this clandestine event are currently being seen in popular music and culture. But it appears these sinister plans were not enough and the industry still has a long way to go to save itself from the downward spiral it is currently on. 

Chairman Suit: Ok folks we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a slump. Electric word slump it means we're losing and for a very long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else: A new trend. A trend to replace the suddenly ending happiness of boybands and pop. So we called up our pollster from Beverly Hills. You know the one, the spin-doctor that'll make our sales charts all right. `stead of asking him how much of the trend is left, we asked him how to save us this time. Because in this business things are much harder than they were yesterday but in this business we're on our own! 

Suit No. 1: Then what are we going to do? If the pollsters and market research can't tell us what to cram down the throats of the public, how are we going to know which bandwagon to jump on? 

Suit No. 2: It's true! Our popstars aren't selling anymore. Our Rap-Rock franchise is dying. Our core audience has outgrown these things but we have nothing to replace them with! 

Chairman Suit: The pollster found that we have to find something new to entice these kids to spend their money on. We must find something a little more mature and since these kids are now entering their troubled adolescent stage so we have to find a way to market their newfound rebellious spirit! 

A&R Suit No. 1: That's easy; we have the Nu-metal and Punk-pop franchises we can exploit. Those kinds are bands are easy to create and we can have a dozen new bands signed, recorded and on the road within three months! 

Chairman Suit: Won't work, the pollsters and market research firms have found that those two trends are over saturated and their numbers are dying too. We have to find something new to spark a new trend. 

Suit  No 2: What are we supposed to do? Bring in the pollster so we can discuss this.

(Pollster is called into the room) 

Chairman Suit: We were just discussing what new direction we need to take to find the next trend to exploit. Can you tell us a little of what your market research found?

Pollster: (places graphs on the overhead projector) As you can the popularity of teen pop and rap-rock has taken a big dive recently. The most common response we heard from our focus groups was our target group fells that our former bestselling popstars are for kids and they want something more mature. Our biggest finding was that they want something more rebellious but punk and metal is too harsh for them. So your focus should be on rock or pop with a rough edge or image.  We also found that our core group, teenage girls, are sick of pretty boys and supermodel type female singers. What they want are young female singers they can relate to, whose looks are not a threat and also who have a rebellious attitude. The image is the most important thing; the music doesn't have to be strictly rock. It can be pop but with a punk or metal image. That's what they say they want. 

Chairman Suit:  They want a female Andrew W.K.?

Pollster: Exactly! 

Suit No. 1: Do we have any female acts that would fit this category? 

A&R Suit No. 1: Not signed, but we have our eye on a couple of girls we were looking at for pop projects that we could easily give a punk image to. 

Chairman Suit: We have to move fast, we don't have many female rock artists signed. And over the past decade very few have done well. The exception is Alanis. (turns toward A&R Suit No. 1) Do you have any potential singers that sound like Alanis that we could give a punk image but are young enough to fit our needs? 

A&R Suit No. 1: We have a girl in Canada I think will fit. Her name is Avril. 

Pollster: It's important that you market her as a "real" rock artist. Have your songwriters work with her and let her contribute something to the songs like a lyric or two so we can tell the fans that she co-wrote the songs. 

Chairman Suit: Can this girl play an instrument?

A&R Suit No. 1: I'm not sure but we could always teach her a couple of chords and strap a guitar on her and not plug it in. She can pretend to be playing it. 

Chairman Suit: Great! What about her image? Will she fit the female Andrew W.K. mold? 

A&R Suit No. 1: Yes, we can do that. We put her in skater cloths and tell the fans she is a punk rocker. They won't know the difference. Perception is what we make it. 

Chairman Suit: Ok, we now have the Alanis meets Andrew W.K. clone but what other recent trends can we exploit? 

Suit No. 3: What about the Osbournes? Why don't we give Kelly a record deal? 

Chairman Suit: Do you think that will work? I know the research said they wanted plainer girls but Kelly might be pushing our luck. 

Pollster: She would actually be a good choice. She has a rebellious image and her overall looks are not threatening to our core audience. In fact it might help that most of the girls who will buy this music are more attractive than the singer. 

Chairman Suit: Ok, that is an idea but does anyone know if she can sing? 

Suit No 3: That doesn't really matter. Once we get into the studio we can make her voice sound like anything we want. 

A&R Suit No 1: That's true, we've had major success using studio effects in the past with limited vocalist. 

Chairman Suit: Ok go make the deal!  We're on a roll!  We've covered the Alanis clone and a way to exploit the Osbournes popularity while getting our plain Jane at the same time!  These things come in threes so what do we do about the third project?  Is hip-hop or R&B still workable? Couldn't we take a young pop or R&B singer, put in a few guitars, give her a rock image and attract both demographics? 

A&R Suit No 2: That's perfect! I think I have someone in mind for that. We've been trying to find an image for her and this would work great! 

Chairman Suit: Tell us about her. 

A&R Suit No 2: She's young and edgy and sings like one of our pop/R&B girls. All we need to do is add some guitars, give her the right cloths and a clever name and we are in business! 

Pollster: That sounds like it would work but she can't be too edgy or threatening. She can look rebellious but still has to have a girl next-door quality. 

Suit No 1: Why not call her Pollyanna?  That would fit the bill, she would look like a rock rebel but will have a nice girl name. 

Pollster: I will have to conduct some more focus groups but I doubt our core target audience will know who Pollyanna is. Plus we might have a tough time obtaining the rights to the name. 

A&R Suit No 1: I've got it! We'll call her Pink. That conveys a nice girl perception that will be a perfect contrast to the rock rebel image we'll give her!  

Chairman: That's perfect!  Now get to work and get these projects done, we need to cash in on them immediately.  

Pollster: Make sure to market them similar to what happened with Nirvana when they broke. Since our audience has now turned on our teen pop stars we need to tap into that and have our stars appear as the saviors of music who killed teen pop. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have them bad mouth the big teen pop stars either. We can call them the anti-Britney's! 

Chairman Suit: That's genius! Let's Go! 

The meeting ends 

So there you have it, a fly on the walls view of how the Three Stoogettes � Avril, Kelly and Pink � got to where they are today!  

Until next time this is antiGUY signing off but please remember: It may look like a duck but if it doesn't quack like a duck, it's not a duck. It's a fraud!