Keeping Rock Profitable by antiGUY

MEMO

From: The Powers That Be / Madison Ave., New York, NY
To: Record Companies
Subject: Increase "Rock" Sales in 2002
Date: 12-1-01

The results are in from exhaustive market research and focus groups, and we are recommending the following for the marketing year 2002 season:

1: Avoid signing bands with an original sound at all costs! Instead find as many "clone" bands as possible, as they already have a built in fan base. Look to the example set by Road Runner Records of how to do this successfully. 

2: If you have an artist who is failing to catch on, ask Fred Durst to do a live duet with them and then release it as a single. While Mr. Durst is only marginally talented at best for some reasons kids will buy anything he is involved with. 

3: The addition of rap to rock songs has paid off in the past but the trend now appears to be dying. We advise dropping these artists from your roster or giving their vocalist singing lessons. 

4: Find more pop-rock groups and market them as punk, this have proven to be an invaluable method in the past couple of years. The average TRL viewer is too young to know the difference between real punk and pop-rock. 

5: The more piercings and tattoos the musicians have the better. We have found in our research that tattooed and pierced "rock" groups outsell non pierced and tattooed "rock" performers 5 to 1, when taking the TRL demographic into account groups that show off their piercings and tattooes in their videos outsell non pierced and tattooed groups 50 to 1! 

6: License, License, License. Licensing has turned into one of the most lucrative business models for rock. Not only does this get the music out to the public, it also brings in vast amounts of royalties because of increased CD sales. Rock classics are a great tool for licensing. Every company wants to use an identifiable song in their television and radio commercials. Even if the song has nothing to do with the product, just the use of the song helps sell the product and more CD's! It's a win win!  Whenever possible exploit Marvin Gaye's catalog of songs; aside from Moby, Marvin's songs have proven to be one of the best tools for marketing products along with the Beatles. Other classics from the 60's and 70's are equally as powerful, we have found that it brings up a nostalgia factor with baby-boomers, a group of buyers that will buy practically anything if it is marketed to them correctly. We have also uncovered another gem in the licensing game. Aside from television commercials, the Television Networks are now licensing "current" popular rock songs to promote their new Fall television programs. 

7: Before introducing new acts be sure that the group's name includes a name-number combination. In our research we were not been able to track down why this is effective but new bands with a name-number title tend to enjoy fifteen times the success than non name-number groups. We still can't tell you why, but this tactic works!

8: If you have any aging artists on your roster that are failing to sell their newer material in great numbers the most effective way to reestablish interest in them is to have them participate in a charity event. Televised Charity concerts are the most ideal.  This is most effective if the artist is seen to be the main organizer of the event, but participation alone has shown to be a great vehicle for boosting sagging sales and getting the artist back into the spotlight. 

9: Make sure that your artists include at least one obscenity on their CD's, this insures that the CD will need a "Parental Advisory Sticker".  Our research has shown that suburban teen males under the age of 15 are less likely to purchase rock CD's without a warning label. An offensive album title can also help generate sales. 

10: Tours. It has proven more lucrative to package 4 or 5 bands together in a tour with a catchy name, then to send the bands out on their own. We have found that very few current recording artists touring as headliners with only one supporting act can sell the number of tickets required to fill most major venues. By packaging 4 or 5 groups together you can sell more tickets at a much higher price. It is also advisable to sign up a corporate sponsor for such tours, this helps offset the cost of touring which translates to higher profit margins. 

11: Again from our last memo, we are strongly recommending the following. The Limp Bizkit's fanbase has matured beyond the groups current trend focus; therefore they need to attract a younger audience.  Have Fred Durst replace the departed Wes Borland with Barney the Dinosaur or Carrot Top (don't worry they can learn all the limp bizkit songs in under an hour). Suggested titles for the new CD: "Big Head-Red Hat and the Kneepad Brigade", "Rugburn: aka a night out with Fred" or "Twinkle Toes Goes to Hollywood".  Fred Durst solo song titles: "Me, Myself and I", "I would love you more if you were me", "Mirror Mirror on the Wall/ Whose the Dopest of Them All", "I'm Not Conceited, I'm Convinced", "Is it in yet?", "13 minutes and counting" and "I mean the world to me" .

12: We have found that the best way to "break" a new artist is for them to release an inferior cover of an 80's pop hit. This tactic worked for Marilyn Manson (Sweet Dreams are Made of This), Limp Bizkit (Faith) and more recently Alien Ant Farm (Smooth Criminal).  We recommend the following: a punk-pop cover of Tony Basil's "Mickey", a nu-metal cover of Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" and a industrial-metal cover of Men Without Hats' "Safety Dance". 

Conclusion: The safest marketing scheme for "rock" music is to continue the proven "Follow The Leader" approach. Our research has shown that attempting to market new and interesting music to young teens is a gamble; you will enjoy much higher sales by flooding the markets with groups that copy the current best selling bands. You do however run the risk of over saturating the market, but when the current trends die out you only need to drop the old "clone" groups and sign new bands that clone the sound of the next wave of popular rock music groups. We recommend the preceding 12 points of action to continue the successful marketing of your "rock" products. The current market conditions do not warrant any radical new approaches, the old tried and true tactics discussed above are still the most effective ways to sell your "rock" music products. 

The Powers That Be
 

Disclaimer: To Lawyers and or those with a room temperature IQ. What you just read is not a real memo, it is a parody. While parody always has an element of truth to it, what you just read is not presented as fact, it is simply a parody of the mindset that apparently runs rampant within the music industry. Real recording artists names were used for dramatic effect and to illustrate a point, antiMUSIC is in no way claiming that the actions and/or suggestions presented in regards to these artists are fact, they are the creation of the warped mind of the author. So to reiterate to the room temperature IQ'd or lawyers who read this, is a joke, it isn't true and the tooth fairy or the easter bunny don't exist either. (yes some lawyers have room temperature IQ's so they need to read this disclaimer twice).  Have a nice day - aG