Hip-Hop Goes Corporate by antiGUY

MEMO

From: The Powers That Be / Madison Ave., New York, NY
To: Record Companies
Subject: Increase Sales in 2002
Date: 11-1-01

The results are in from exhaustive market research and focus groups, and we are recommending the following changes for the marketing year 2002 season:

1: Sell the rights to Snoop Doggs greatest hits to the Muzak Corporation. Hip Hop fans will rejoice when hearing the Muzak equivalent to "Bow Wow Wow, Yippy Yo, Yippy Ya" play overhead while sitting in the dentist chair. 

2: With the decline in popularity of boyband pop, retool the Backstreet Boys to produce middle of the road white suburban hip-hop hits and rename the group the Backstreet Homies. 

3: Give Missy Eliot a copy of "Hooked on Phonics" so she can learn to rhyme two different words. While her original use of "yo" to end each line has sold well, our focus group research has found that kids below the age of 13 are now more receptive to two syllable words. 

4: Have DMX record a Christmas Album. Suggested titles  "Dmx: The Red Hoed Rapper" "Jingle Hoes" and the "The Twelve Hoes of Christmas".

5: Release one new TupacCD a month in the coming year, he may be dead but we have made more money off of his name since he died, plus we don't have to pay royalties. Perhaps we could even have some studio rappers come up with a duet album between Tupac and Biggy Smalls and claim that we "found" the tapes?

6: Our market research has found that children under the age of 8 are the fastest growing audience for hip-hop. The children have a tremendous disposable income as the poke' man craze showed; therefore we advise that you release a Nursery Rhyme album by a major Rap artist like Ice Cube or do a Sesame Street cast album of Hip-Hop standards. 

7: Dr Dre has been out of the news lately, advise him to hire some actors to dress up and act like ganstas at a Long Beach California bar and stage an altercation in which Dre will win in order to get some free press and re-establish his street credentials. Remind him that this has to take place in "The Hood", not in the Brentwood Bars near his mansion. 

8: In QTR 3, 2001. An unusually large number of young teens dressed like "thugs" have been spotted exiting their mother's Volvo's, SUV's and/or Mini Vans at suburban shopping malls. Therefore we should ask the Crips to license an "Official Crips" clothing line to K-Mart consisting of blue gansta clothing and The Bloods can license red clothing to Sears.

9: Develop and propose a new Saturday morning cartoon series starring p.diddy.  Suggested theme song "p.diddy this, p.diddy that/ p.diddy be hangin with da cat in da hat" 

10: Stage a mock gang fight between N Sync and Backstreet Boys fans outside the TRL studios. This will aid in establishing these boygroups as hip young hip-hop groups as discussed in item 2 above. 

11: The Limp Bizkit's fanbase has matured beyond the groups current trend focus; therefore they need to attract a younger audience.  Have Fred Durst replace the departed Wes Borland with Barney the Dinosaur or Carrot Top (don't worry they can learn all the limp bizkit songs in under an hour). Suggested titles for the new CD: "Big Head-Red Hat and the Kneepad Brigade", "Rugburn: aka a night out with Fred" or "Twinkle Toes Goes to Hollywood".  Fred Durst solo song titles: "Me, Myself and I", "I would love you more if you were me", "Mirror Mirror on the Wall/ Whose the Dopest of Them All", "I'm Not Conceited, I'm Convinced", "Is it in yet?", "13 minutes and counting" and "I mean the world to me" .

Conclusion: Our research shows that the preceding recommendation will help your record companies bring in big "Cash-Money" in the year 2002 and effectively complete the task of bringing the hip-hop sounds, look and culture to your required demographic of white suburban males and females between the age of 6 and 12.  You can continue your current marketing to "13 to 15" year-olds but we have not found an effective marketing tactic to replace the "mall-core" and "rap-rock" strategy we have been employing over the past three years to keep the attention of those "16 to 18" year olds who we are invariable losing to "rock".  The 18 to 35 year olds have not been receptive to our marketing strategies but we are making inroads with the "36 and older" demographic and regaining the audience we lost when Celine Dion retired. The new film and CD by Mariah Carey will help firm up the 35 and over numbers for 2002.  We propose a partnership with automakers to include a free CD single from Mariah's new album with every new SUV and Minivan sold in the United States during QTR 1 and 2. It is also advisable to have your adult contemporary artists record patriotic songs and release them as compilations.  A CD with 10 of your "seasoned" performers singing different versions of "(non-offensive title for the Supreme Being) Bless America" is a sure best seller to the "36 and older" demographic, you can increase sales of such compilations by as much as 40% by including a small American Flag that will easily attach to SUV's or minivans. 

We are still conducting our market research for "rock" music. We will have our analysis and recommendations to you soon. 

The Powers That Be
 

Disclaimer: To Lawyers and or those with a room temperature IQ. What you just read is not a real memo, it is a parody. While parody always has an element of truth to it, what you just read is not presented as fact, it is simply a parody of the mindset that apparently runs rampant within the music industry. Real recording artists names were used for dramatic effect and to illustrate a point, antiMUSIC is in no way claiming that the actions and/or suggestions presented in regards to these artists are fact, they are the creation of the warped mind of the author. So to reiterate to the room temperature IQ'd or lawyers who read this, is a joke, it isn't true and the tooth fairy or the easter bunny don't exist either. (yes some lawyers have room temperature IQ's so they need to read this disclaimer twice).  Have a nice day - aG