by antiGUY

Somehow the Darwin theory has missed the music industry. Survival of the fittest just doesn't seem to apply to the record industry; because talent does not always equal success. What the Hell is here to explore some questionable "Artists" and why they have become popular, let alone got a record deal in the first place. Don't worry if you disagree you will have the opportunity to plead your case for these "Artists". What the Hell is also a place where antiGUY sounds off on entertainment topics that are pissing him off at the moment.

antiGIRL dragged me to the mall the other night (against my will). I wanted to stay home and watch the Frisco / Raiders game. So I wasn't in too good of a mood.  A few minutes after we got to mall I spotted a clean-cut kid sporting an "Ozzy for President" t-shirt.  I was a bit shocked to see it, I had one of the original ones back in the day and it (along with my smartass mouth) got me kicked out of school (more on that later). 

I was bit intrigued by this kid, so I told antiGIRL to run along to one of her shops, I was going to go talk to him.  I walked up to him and when I got closer I noticed he looked younger that I had pegged him at (appeared to be about 13).  Here is a little of our conversation. 

Me: Hey, what's up. 

Kid: (sheepishly) um, nothing. 

Me: Cool shirt, so what's your favorite Ozzy song?

Kid: um, I don't have one. 

Me: You don't have one? What Ozzy CDs do you own?

Kid: None.

Me: So what is your favorite band?

Kid: Taking Back Sunday. 

Me: (confused) So, why do you have an Ozzy shirt if you don't know his music?

Kid: um, my mom bought it for me cuz I like the show.

Sharon, we have a problem!  And I think it really started when Ozzy won a Grammy. 

When I was this kid's age, wearing my very own "Ozzy for President" shirt, most parents wouldn't buy it for you. In fact, most parents wouldn't let you listen to Ozzy. He was considered dangerous, evil, hell he bit the heads off of bats! So, Ozzy was damn cool, but forbidden. That was part of his appeal. 

My "Ozzy for President" shirt got me into a lot of trouble. I remember the dirty looks adults would give me when they saw me wearing it. I had a born again aunt that visited one time and wanted to perform an exorcism on the spot, when she saw it. Clerks in stores looked at me with suspicion when I wore that shirt. Teachers assumed I'd be a trouble maker because of it. Yeah, it was a damn cool t-shirt!  

On my first day of 7th grade I decided to wear the shirt.  Hell, might as well fly the colors you know?  (This was before the movie came out and colors took on a whole new meaning). I wasn't on campus ten minutes before this battleaxe stormed up to me and demanded that I turn the shirt inside-out because it was offensive.  Being the smartass that I am and not thinking before opening my mouth, I told her if she didn't like the shirt she could shove it up her (you know what).   

Turns out the battleaxe was the Vice Principle. So, I hadn't even been to my first class of Jr. High and I was already called to the Vice Principle's office. She decided that I wasn't the kind of element she wanted in her school and took this opportunity to expel me. Luckily, my dad was a pretty cool guy and because I normally didn't get into too much major trouble and actually got good grades, he went easy on me. He was actually angrier at the battleaxe than at me. 

After they called him and he had to leave work to come pick me up, he was in a rare mood. The battleaxe told him the story of what happened and he asked her if she wasn't overreacting just a little bit.  She replied no.  He argued a bit with her, saying "look, there is nothing offensive on that t-shirt". She replied "Yes there is! It is advocating a devil worshipper for President!" He shook his head and asked "so you are kicking my son out of school because he is wearing a t-shirt that you think is satanic, but gives no indication of it?"  She looked sternly at him and said, "Yes, I am and for the disrespectable way he spoke to me."  My dad turned to her with a poker face and said "You know what? You can shove this school up your ass!  I'm going to call the school district and ask them to send someone down here to take care of you, because obviously you haven't been laid in a long time!"  (Now you know where my sarcasm and smart mouth came from) 

I tell this story not only because it's pretty funny, but also because it illustrates the attitude most people had towards Ozzy just a few years ago.   

They had that attitude for good reason. Ozzy WAS evil and a rock n' roll rebel. This was the man that got arrested for pissing on the Alamo! Snorted ants and licked up urine with Motley Crue, used to run around to bars s***faced while wearing his wife's cloths. A man that every mother warned their children about, with music that was considered dangerous, subversive and satanic! All the good stuff.

Then something changed. And you can hear the changes in his music. Ozzy stopped being Ozzy and became just like any number of artists that latched on to trends in hopes of cashing in. If that wasn't the case then explain the sequin outfit for "The Ultimate Sin" and the "Shot in the Dark" video where he looked more like Tammy Fay Bakker than Ozzy Osbourne.  

It was understandably a major blow when Randy Rhoads died. But Ozzy did carry on and Bark at the Moon was a fine album (in my opinion). Sure, it wasn't Blizzard or Diary, but it was still Ozzy.  Then Ozzy came out with "The Ultimate Sin" and all the MTV bands at the time where starting to go for the glamorous look.  So Ozzy toned down his sound a bit and donned the sequins and Tammy Fay Bakker make-up and did get a little bit of love from MTV for the "Shot in the Dark" video.  (Priest did the same thing with Turbo). Despite that, Ozzy still remained largely unacceptable to the mainstream.  He was Ozzy, after all.  

His next couple of releases, however, had shades of the writing on the wall. The excellent "Tribute" album gave longtime fans a treasure trove of live Randy Rhoads material. Unfortunately, the video for "Crazy Train" featured Ozzy looking like Liz Taylor.  What was up with that hair? But that's just surface stuff; the real indication of Ozzy losing it was the video for "Crazy Babies".  Even Zakk Wylde couldn't save this piece of mediocrity. It was the "No Rest For The Wicked" version of "No Bone Movies", filler we could have lived without. The fact that he made it a single only made it that much more offensive.  It's no wonder that CD began appearing in bargin bins and the $5.95 rack at gas stations a year or so later. 

Then a few years later the impossible happened! Ozzy was nominated for and won a Grammy. His album "No More Tears" was all over radio and his videos were shown 24/7 on MTV.  That was the real turning point for the Ozzy I grew up with. Once scorned by the establishment, he was now part of it.  

I understand and respect the fact that it is Ozzy's career to do whatever he wants with, but that doesn't mean we have to sit idly by and watch the prince of darkness morph into a s***com dad without comment.  If he and Sharon want to cash in on his fame in the mainstream, while more or less destroying his legacy, that is their prerogative.  But did we really need to have Kelly and Jack loosed upon the airwaves?  

What about Ozzfest? Oh yes, Ozzfest. See Sharon had the idea of including Ozzy on Lollapalooza, but the organizers of the fest didn't go for the idea. So being the smart business woman that she is, she decided if you can't join �em, beat em.  Thus was born Ozzfest.  The first incarnation in 1996 featured a strong lineup with Ozzy, Slayer, Danzig, Sepultura, Fear Factory, Biohazard and more. But as the years went by Ozzfest started getting away from the metal faithful and began pandering to the MTV numetal, mallcore fans. Thus was born SharonFest. The first indication of this was in 1998 when Limp Bizkit was given a main stage slot. That was easily offset by the inclusion of Motorhead, Megadeth and to a lesser extent Tool.  Things really came to a head in 2001 and 2002 with the inclusion of Linkin Park, Adema, Papa Roach and believe it or not Crazy Town (on the main stage!).  SharonFest became kind of joke. 

Fortunately, this year was the redemption of Ozzfest, which featured a strong metal lineup with the original Black Sabbath, Judas Priest and Slayer!  Did Sharon stop letting Jack pick the bands or did she finally figure out that nu-metal was dead?  

On the other side of that token, Ozzy's metamorphosis is still readily apparent. You are more likely to see him featured in People Magazine these days then a metal mag. Sadly, the reunited Judas Priest might follow his example (go check the review section of their website and look for metal publications. Entertainment Tonight does not count). But we still have Slayer; they have remained faithful to who they are. While some didn't dig the experimentation of "God Hates Us All", Slayer has always been and always will be Slayer.  And I have to say, the moment they pop up in a reality show will be the last sign of the coming Armageddon. Kiss you ass goodbye because Satan has come to town.

So Ozzy has undergone a major transformation. He began as the rock and roll rebel that scared parents and preachers worldwide to trading quips with the President and doing mass market TV commercials. Did he sell his soul to the mainstream devil??  And what is the trade off?  We went from a legendary metal madman to a bumbling a**clown on MTV.  Is it great that adults no longer fear Ozzy and instead kind of feel sorry for him?  

I witnessed that change first hand. Remember that born again aunt that wanted to perform an exorcism on me? She admitted to me, when I saw her about a year ago, that she now likes Ozzy (from the damn show).  She told me that she had him all wrong.  I wanted to tell her; no you had him right at the time and have him right now. He's a sitcom star now, no longer the prince of darkness.  Thanks Sharon, now are you gonna tell me that there is no Santa Claus?

Ozzy may have grown old, turned into a television a**clown and media darling and became the opposite of everything he used to represent, but I'll be damned if I will.  It is sad to watch one of your rebel heroes of youth corrupted. Accuse me of trying to hang on to my youth all you want. I don't care. I may be older, but I won't go the way of Ozzy.  At least I have the memories and the music of the Ozzy I remember, the guy that pissed on the Alamo, bit the head off of a dove to freak out his record company executives, and scared straight society.  That's the Ozzy I know and love, not this dips*** with the dorky kids on MTV--that guy is Ozzy only in name. 

And Sharon, if you don't like this rant, you know where you can shove it!   

[Postscript: a few days after I wrote this rant, Sharon announced that she was trying to land a late night talkshow that she and Ozzy will co-host. Read into that whatever you like, but I think my stand on where Ozzy is today is pretty clear. The Prince of ....  ]