Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

I thought I better dash off one last article before I go on my adult Ritalin (Dolly note: WOO HOO! I CAN'T WAIT!!) and become so catatonic I am no longer able to do anything but sit on the couch and watch Dallas reruns and cry over the good ol' days when big hair and raccoon eyeliner ruled the world. (Dolly note: WOO HOO! I CAN'T WAIT!!) If you please, give me an overly dramatic moment of silence for what could be my last thing I ever write for antiMusic, EVER. Now back to my regularly scheduled VP.

After Paris Hilton's "people" beat up Shanna Moakler, Pay- Per- View offered her a 3-fight deal! Yeah, like she really needs another opportunity for a voyeuristic cash grab! Man, wouldn't that be nice to be able to pay heirs to a shipping empire to do your fighting for you? Huh, I'll never know. She won't even send Keavin her CD for review, how stingy can ya get!?! I wrote her such a nice review, I hinted about pearls or diamonds and polo ponies elsewhere, if she isn't going to come up off a CD, the least she could do is mail me something along those lines. I even like fur coats and Greek ships, Paris! But you can keep the Greek shipping heirs, I like guys that are old enough to drink me under a table legally and don't push girls down the stairs when after they're done getting falling down drunk with them.

Ok, so that's it. I am DONE being nice to her! Here is what I plan to do to get revenge:

1. Hire Rick Solomon to stalk her and take photographs and then sell the pix to Vanity Fair like Annie Leibowitz keeps doing with her voluminous photo essays of fat, naked, pregnant chicks.

2. Nominate her for a Grammy so she can win, then have to give it back when it turns out that really some 46 year old studio singer is the shill singing for her on her album.

3. Send in her name to Miss USA or whoever takes away beauty pageant crowns from chix who turn up naked publicly so she can badly act her way through a weepy press conference and lip sync that other chick this happened to's speech.

4. Initiate a "Milli Vanilli/ A$$lee $imp$on Memorial Fund Raiser" on PBS or MTV and make her call people up at dinner and beg them for money while they are trying to drink beer and scream at the kids so she can get some actual feedback on what the public really thinks about her, in spite of their curiosity with her weird lifestyle.

5. Nominate "The Simple Life" for an Emmy so it gets renewed for 6 more seasons and the producers get furious and bitter at having to coddle her and make special allowances for her when she refuses to work with her hated but under- contract with Fox former friend and costar while real actors gotta tough it out and work with chix they hate so much they are almost homicidal every single day so they spread the word that Paris sux and no one ever hires her ever again to work in any acting capacity.

6. Hire Nicole Ritchie's chef to convince her she is a fat cow and come cook the special Ethiopian diet food for her that has worked so well for former fatso blimp Nicole.

7. Send some physicist over to her house to explain to her Newton's Third Law of motion using only her helicopter as a model and get Rick Solomon to take pictures of her when blood starts shooting out of her every orifice in her face when her head explodes in a flurry of blonde confusion.

8. Find another lame-o radio band to write a song about her so she thinks she is really special or whatever solitary thought floats effortlessly through her uncluttered, fluffy head and make sure MC Hater has a hand in writing most of the lyrics.

(I'm too impatient to think of and write down something for number 9, I'm just gonna skip right to 10. Hurry up, doctors appointment day!!) (Dolly note: WOO HOO! I CAN'T WAIT!!)

10. Send her downtown to pay her parents property tax on their many palatial estates and see if we can record any Leona Helmsley- like comments she might make.

Well, If a U-Haul stuffed full of luxuries I don't even know enough about to dream of shows up in my driveway a few days after this article appears, I take it all about and I'll go back to partying with Paris and being jealous of her to her face rather than behind her back like all of her phony friends do, but you didn't hear that from me!

Words of week.

inutile: of no use or service. 2) Lacking in utility or serviceability; not useful. 3) Paris Hilton