Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

Sharon Osbourne's exciting new career change announced!

After Sharon Osbourne's startling announcement that Ozzfest is & has always been the epitome of true metal, the adulatory phone calls & emails she has received from bands as diverse as Wicked Wisdom, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, P.O.D, The Used, American Head Charge, Papa Roach, Powerman 5000, The Foo Fighters, The Deftones, Crazy Town, Time Magazine's 2004 Band of the Year Lostprophets and many other former Ozzfest performers convinced her to make an interesting career change from promoter to headlining stand up comedy act! So far, comedy clubs across America are clamoring to get her booked. At press time, the only confirmed clubs are those in cities Ozzfest is playing, during tour dates.

A spokesmen I contacted from The National Society to Stop Using Eggs as Weapons (NSSUEW) expressed relief that Sharon will no longer be at Ozzfest shows due to her upcoming comedy club commitments. "This announcement, that Sharon Osbourne will be doing stand up routines as some local comedy club while the actual Ozzfest performers are doing their sets is a tremendous relief. We always hate when eggs have their reputation as an excellent & cheap source of protein twisted by role models in the show biz community misusing them & setting a bad example for the next generation. We believe that misusing eggs is extremely dangerous & irresponsible, as it promotes salmonella & trivializes the role of eggs in a balanced diet."

MTV's TRL also announced their support for this move, which has stunned many jaded industry insiders. A spokesman for TRL went on to explain, "We have had our eye on the Ozzfest franchise for almost a decade now, and feel confidant that this is a logical way to announce our collaboration with Ozzfest's 2007 tour. We always try to promote, support & fund products we feel will enhance TRL's reputation for musical excellence & innovation and our merger with Ozzfest is only one such example of this!

Sharon & Ozzy were too busy antiquing & running to Mexico to pick up Ozzy's prescriptions to comment, though she graciously condescended to give me the finger & spit on my shirt.

Since that non interview left me with many minutes to kill before I had to meet my parole officer, I decided I'd come up with some more career changes for other prominent people that are presently in the wrong line of work. Maybe I could make some phone calls & even coax some of them into switching to something more rewarding? OK, so here ya go, here was my attempt at helping the world be a safer place:

Tara Reid: Bartender
On the B list no longer! The transition from minor celeb to this rewarding life's call is so obvious I don't understand why she doesn't fire her agent for not suggesting it. She could easily get a job at a bar that gives a bonus for not throwing up or passing out during hours of operation!

P. Diddy: Interior Decorator
With high praise from critics for not fearing to bring to his inner girl out from hiding in the closet, although P. is still reeling from his women clothes designing disaster, there is still time to flounce into something else! I think he can find some cable channel that will put him alongside a couple other giggling men in remaking houses' décor into something fabulous.

Britney Spears: Child Care Consultant for "Trailer Fabulous, the P. Diddy Season"
What TV show executives & hired hands wouldn't want the most famous mom in America taking care of their children while filming trailer houses undergoing complete remodeling & renovation? Sign me up, fo' sho!

Michael Jackson: Boys Home Counselor
Imagine how exciting the boys will be�.Ooops, sorry! I meant to write excited! Oh well, I'm bored of this topic already, I forgot to take my Ritalin this morning.

Just to show you that I am not entirely full of fanciful ideas, here is my �career change hall of fame', representing people I was successful in coaching into doing something else.

Fred Durst: �Would you like fries with that?' specialist
This actual career change is well underway! Stay tuned to antiMusic for an update on which fast food joint Fred will make an appearance at behind the counter! Buy your shake from him quick, before they send him into management training!

Chris Martin: K-Fed lifestyle coach
Bet you had no idea how retroactive my powers of persuasion are! Yep, who d'ya think taught K-Fed the joys of latching onto a famous, successful woman & using her to advance your career, huh? Yeah, I'm that good.

Carson Daly: American Idol Loser's �Stretch your 15 Minutes' Advice Guru
Thanks to the tireless efforts of this tireless activist for staying famous for absolutely nothing, many, many people have been greatly helped stay in the tabloids or whatever for whatever.

Unfortunately, I had some bad experiences compiling this list, when rude spokespeople told me off & tried to set fire to me over the phone. Whew, good thing I wasn't using a phone made of oily rags or gun powder! Anyway, in an effort to highlight the most evil responses & hopefully get a ban on these two started, here were my two worst phone calls of the day:

Dakota Fanning: Tattoo artist
Maybe this girl can't color in the lines good enough to do this job, I just betcha!

Kevin Federline: anything
Anything at all. Some kinda job would be nice for this guy, don'tcha think? Anyone who has a job they think K-Fed could do, please contact Britney's management or MTV at C/O Trailer Fabulous, �job for Kevin' campaign.

Editor's note for lawyers and those that can not discern the obvious: don't believe everything that you read, especially parody like the above article!