Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

Please, don't do anything drastic! Pull yourself together, stop your wretched howling & wipe your nose. Somehow, we as a country can make it through the demise of another long-term celebrity marriage, as impossible as that seems right now. I realize that this shocking announcement will have grief counselors the world over on standby, as millions mourn this breakup. As a service to the estate, antiMusic was kind enough to run this obituary of their marriage, written by Jessie, with the help of a ghostwriter.* (But, like only a little bit did a ghostwriter contribute, because I am capable of writing my own stuff, I just choose not to, but this is important, so I wrote most of it.)

Nick & Jessie $imp$on- Lachey (Or however he spells that), famous & loved the world over for our incredible talent, our sheer entertainment value, our blinding intelligence, and most importantly, our refusal to be manipulated & controlled by those we trust into doing & wearing bizarre things, announce with sad, mournful, disbelieving, incredulous hearts, the end of our super, duper long marriage. Like, we were together for over two entire seasons of our excellence in entertainment- based reality show that MTV based on our enviable marriage, way back when it didn't suck & wasn't a total drag. We, like, set the standard for TV based marriages, giving all those reality TV stars of the future a lofty (like, that means really high) goal to aspire to (I think that is a flavor of mayonnaise).

Back when we were happy, like it was so fun getting attention & going to cool parties & being talked about, but then that got to be a pain, like when we had a fight & everybody made fun of me & then when we were trying to have our private TV show, dad kept popping in all the time trying to hog up OUR TV time. The editing costs for getting rid of him from every frame was staggering, we almost got sued by MTV for production costs!

Well, anyway, that sucked too & I am glad he is leaving me alone more now that he is more focused on A$$lee & her really cool career... but back to me!! I am the new star of the movie "Dukes of Hazzard", in case you didn't realize that. I play a very important role. In fact, my character is the most important one in the whole movie! The only reason it's called "Dukes of Hazzard" not "Princess of Hazzard" is because they told me that generating letters on a movie screen costs so much per letter, and they just couldn't afford it. So anyway, like the Backstreet Boys put out an album the same year that my movie came out, but Nick was too lazy to do as much as me to bring in an income. By NOT putting out an album, he showed that he is really a parasitic leech trying to devour my money earning potential & hold me back from being an even more world famous star of the universe, out of sheer jealousy, that's for sure! When we met, Nick was in a really cute boy band (can't remember which one, but he was in one of them!) and then he married me & all the sudden, he quits selling records to be a stay at home reality
TV star! Yeah right! I kept telling him, 'Like we don't have a magic mailbox, where all you do is open it & there's a massive royalty check in it, you need to go out & work it!'

But wait, my publicist says it'll look more sympathetic if I don't just blame him, but blame 'circumstances beyond our control', like whatever! Yeah, so ok, global
warming & the decimation of the sea otter habitat caused our separation & filing for divorce! C'mon, figure it out, going from being someone famous for making really deep, excellent music to doing exactly what for a living? What's that, Nick? You're a celebrity reality TV star? HA!! Like, what if Gandhi decided to stop being a famous little naked guy wearing a beach towel to being just a guy who mopped the floor at Burger King? I bet his wife would divorce his ass too! How 'bout the guy who invented atomic energy? What if he came home from work one day & said, "Honey? I am going to let someone else invent the light bulb & the CD player, "Friends" is on & I'm tired of missing it!" Same thing! So like the publicist said, it's not Nick's fault, but gimme a break, like he really did so much to keep us together. It's that melting ice cap in the North Pole or whatever I said before that is causing this pain, not me or him, but circumstances beyond our control.

Oh yeah, so we grew up. (This is the official statement, ok press? Skip through all the above stuff, I am in mourning here & everybody handles that differently. Only print the stuff below this, that is the stuff that makes me sound sympathetic!) And then we grew apart, like butterflies eating their larvae because they ran out of salad, or whatever that Discovery channel documentary said about them. I can't really remember, because I ran out of double fudge ice cream just then & had to go get more, as an important part of my post separation therapy, but I remember thinking when I heard that what a nice comparison that was to my marriage, whatever it was. I should have written it down, but anyway, so now we are moving on. And you should, too! Get a life! Like printing or reading every little detail of our fights is soooooo interesting, whatever! Obviously I will go on to bigger & better things, like maybe I'll get to play another girl that runs around in clothes that don't fit that well, until I hit 30 & get all old & saggy & droopy, then I'll get my own 1-900 psychic friends line or something, I don't know, but the future is nothing but promising for me! Nick, I am sure, will land on his feet somehow, somewhere. Maybe you'll see him one day at a drive in theater, checking tickets or sweeping up popcorn or whatever, I don't know, but I am pretty sure he'll figure out a new way to support himself. (I hope! Wow, being a boy singer is the only job he's really qualified for! )

Awwww, won't that be sad, like if he has to get a job mopping cages at the Humane Society, because what else can he really do, like, he didn't go to college, he doesn't know about computers or construction....maybe he can be a truck driver! I just might take him back, I don't know yet, he would look cute in a little white paper chef's hat like the Arby's guy, though, wouldn't he? As sad as we are that our really wonderful marriage didn't work out, please go see "Dukes of Hazzard" & watch for me! I'm the girl that's named after a kind of flour, but since I don't bake, I can't remember which brand it is! Look for Nick too, in whatever he chooses to apply himself too, as long as it involves some form of living off someone else's talent, I'm sure he'll be great at it! (Maybe he can become an agent?) Well, that's all, now I'll turn it over to my dad; he has a special plea for me at this traumatic time.

Please send all cash contributions to Joe $imp$on, this has been a Joe $imp$on Enterpri$e$- backed announcement.*

* not really and also a note to the brain dead, this was a parody. Jessica and Nick did not really contribute to this and this is not an official statement of any sort. There is no way Jessica could be that articulate. If you believe this is a real statement you have bigger problems than actually giving a damn about a celebrity marriage and should seek help. (our lawyer removed a suicide tip that was originally printed here).

Words of week.

mawkish: Apt to cause satiety or loathing; nauseous; disgusting

fatuous: Feeble in mind; weak; silly; stupid; foolish

hebetude: the state of being dull; lethargy