Elucidation of Popular Culture

Note to lawyers and the brain dead: What follows falls under the category of parody. We shouldn't need to spell this out but in an age where fat woman are suing doctors for being mildly observant and telling said patient they are obese, we felt the need to point out for the more cerebrally challenged readers that this only a bit of humor and should not be taken literally. If you still choose to take this literally, remember the immortal words of our very own antiGUY "If you are not playing with a full deck, don't shuffle in public!" Now...HHEEEERRRREEEESSSS DOLLY!

No doubt all the uproar over Sharon Osbourne vs. Iron Maiden has her at home right now; weeping over how cruel the press & fans are being to her. In an effort to cheer her up over her unjust virtual beating she is taking, the History Channel contacted me to put together a documentary on famous men of history & the wives they owe everything to in honor of Sharon & Ozzy's 30th wedding anniversary this year!

I really appreciate this opportunity, especially because from it I learned that my assumption of late, that Ozzy was the name of her Chihuahua bitch or her marketing director was dead wrong. History is educational in surprising ways, isn't it?

To properly do this show justice, I am assembling an 'Honorary Osbournes Imaginary Family Tree' from some documents I found lying around the internet. It turns out that many a famous historical man owes his success & very existence to a wife much like Sharon, the true patriarch of the Osbourne clan.

Ok, our first honorary Osbourne finds himself newly grafted into this delightfully normal couple's lineage thanks entirely to his wife's dogged pursuit of her advancing her husband's career no matter the unglamorous consequences, which included exile & public disgrace. This historical general was considered a military genius thanks to his wife's shrewd marketing of him. He is still culturally relevant today due to his wife's insertion of a word into our vocabulary that referred to one of his historic military campaigns, "Waterloo"; a term I think has become personally relevant to Sharon & her little lapdog.

Well, onto someone much more modern! Our next ingraftee is still alive & well aging nicely. Thanks to his wife's tireless efforts, he is synonymous with an entire country! Again, though he is unfairly branded the cause of every problem plaguing Cuba today, in all honesty, if it weren't for Mrs. Castro's fight to unite her country as one, even more Cubans might try to flee the country in homemade boats & dangerous rafts! Taking a cue from Mrs. C, Mrs. O wisely has implemented the same policy in the land of metal: rigid suppression of criticism as well as enforced support of her policies. She has to fight this war on two fronts, never neglecting her personal wars against various criminals in the industry, including Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson. More on his crimes against humanity & the kingdom of Sharon later! I'm so furious at him that common sense is threatening to abandon me!!

I can't find my notes for who was next on the family tree, but trust me! He was someone HUGELY famous, that had the attention of the entire universe for a time, and all thanks to his fine, strong, smart wife. I tell ya, whoever Sharon is married to must be so proud of her right about now! What I wouldn't give to see the scene at their house this afternoon!!

Oh well, I found a diary on the internet in my searching & I'm pretty sure it belongs to Sharon! Let's read it together! But first, a disclaimer: she accidentally kept mixing up the word "father" & the word "husband" for some reason. So every time she says "father', her pet name for her husband, I took the liberty of changing it to "husband", and I made a couple other minor mistake corrections like that to minimize confusion. All my corrections I put in parenthesis.

Here we go!

"...and particularly my association with extremely 'husky' boys, which sometimes caused my mother bitter anguish, made me the very opposite of a stay-at-home (wife). And though at that time I scarcely had any serious ideas as to the profession I should one day pursue, my sympathies were in any case not in the direction of my (husband's) career. I believe that even then my oratorical talent was being developed in the form of more or less violent arguments with my schoolmates. I had become a little ringleader; at school I learned easily and at that time very well, but was otherwise rather hard to handle....."

(well no surprises here, but anyway, read on...)

"... Finally, a whole lifetime spent in the bitter struggle for existence had given (me) a domineering nature, and as it would have seemed intolerable to me to leave the final decision in such matters (as Ozzfest) to an inexperienced boy, having as yet no sense of responsibility..."

(This next part deals with where she takes over Ozzfest & turns it into the far more successful & WAY better Sharonfest...)

"...Neither persuasion nor 'serious' arguments made any impression on my resistance. I did not want to be a (normal rock wife) no, and again no. All attempts on my (husband's) part to inspire me with love or pleasure in this profession by stories from his own life accomplished the exact opposite. I yawned and grew sick to my stomach at the thought of..."

(Grrr, why does the page have to be torn here?!?! Just when she's talking about that entire genre of music she is successfully doing away with from Ozzfest so there can be more bands like the Rolling Stones, Gwen Stefani & Kelly "the most talented" Osbourne, covering Madonna songs from the 80s!!)

"...By and large, a subject of the German Reich, at that time at least, was absolutely unable to grasp the significance of this fact for the life of the individual in such a state. After the great victorious campaign of the heroic armies in the Franco-German War..."

(huh? Wait, hold on, I need to see what this is...this just doesn't sound right at all, makes no sense. I wonder if Sharon was drinking when she wrote this...)

Oh man, I'm sorry, I was mistaken!! This was excerpts from the first chapter of Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler!! I musta gotten my notes confused, Hitler is in the "Honorary Osbournes" section, no wonder I got confused!! Well, anyway, you can see why he's an honorary Osbourne, look at how similarly he & Sharon think!!

Anyway, let's look at how important Sharon is to Ozzy. No one likes metal, it's so unpopular. You know what sells tickets? Pop & hip hop & King Tut. Put those together in a festival atmosphere & you'll make millions. Metal sucks so bad that bands playing at Ozzfest actually have to PAY to be on the stage! Give it up!! You can make three times the amount your record company shelled out if you just write one good number one hit pop song! That 'metal' band that covered the Britney song, that's the direction metal needs to move in. And as is typical of every wife I?ve talked about thus far, Sharon instinctively knows that! That's why Sharonfest is such a ticket selling machine! No one wants to hear metal, everybody likes....y'know, whoever the radio is playing & MTV is slobbering over. Go Sharon! Way to show a buncha stupid kids that a musical festival is best run by someone who has a degree in marketing & business management! She is truly a hero for today, one for your daughters to emulate & your sons to marry!

How important is Sharon to the world? I think the world will mourn when she dies, if the world still exists after that day. Sharon Osbourne is pivotally important to so many serious fields of the arts. TV, both cable & network, internet, radio, CDs, plays, she is everywhere & greatly to be feared, followed, & obeyed. She, like no other rock wife since Yoko Ono has contributed so much to music that smart rock wives everywhere seek her out to attend one of her patented "Sharon Workshop Sessions on Husband Wrangling & Management". But even non rock wives owe her a great debt of thanks. If it weren't for her, would the Spice Girls have reunited? Would Will Smith's wife ever have found a musical outlet to play in? Fans of real music know that Sharon Osbourne speaks for them & an entire generation of people who like music that's really popular & great!

Now, the reason this war exists, the man behind Sharon's tears of fury & injustice: Bruce Dickinson & his crimes against her family!

Not since Margaret Sanger has an individual so ruthlessly & maliciously attacked the family. That the family under attack is the noble institution known as the Osbourne, Inc. family makes his crime more heinous. With his blistering criticism of reality shows, mortally wounding Sharon's feelings in the process of lambasting the only thing on TV worth watching besides the home shopping network, Bruce revealed that a man like him clearly has no regard for the delicate feelings of the ever shy & retiring master of her puppets. This declaration of war on Sharon could not have been more clear if he had announced he was going to burn down their house & rape the maid.

That Sharon would even be so ruthlessly attacked after sharing intimate details of her life shows the level some people will stoop to in order to humiliate a person more successful than they. Like when she sensitively & tastefully revealed that her stomach stapling had not helped: now she has no more room to gobble down food like a ravenous wolf, resulting in her food literally filling her up all the way up her throat. Only the most callous individuals remained unmoved by that heart wrenching revelation! Apparently, in Dickinson's opinion, that tidbit should have kept to herself. Hey Bruce! Maybe the eggs that Sharon had Kelly & her staff throw at you were her cry for help! Oh for the old days when I could eat three dozen eggs in one sitting! She seemed to be saying, if you had only listened!!

I don't know what the outcome of this war will be, antiFans. Hopefully now that Sharon has been vindicated & shown the world what really goes on at Ozzfest, she can stop calling it Ozzfest & be more open about the direction of the festival, so in the future, suckers don't pony up that kinda cash to watch a bunch of bands Sharon doesn't want to listen to.

Dolly has spoken.