Elucidation of Popular Culture

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McDonalds Stock prices tumble, as CEO declares intention to file bankruptcy!

A Dolly Exclusive!!

With a heavy heart I report that the future of the greatest restaurant on the planet of becoming uncertain. Within minutes of the antiMusic report of McD sinking 80 million bucks in hiring corporate whore P. Diddy to design new uniforms for McD, McD announced their intention to file for bankruptcy as stock prices plummeted. A McD spokesman I considered talking to probably would laugh at the news of this underhanded merger, as he might then insist that tricking inner city kids into thinking they look hip as they labor over a fryer vat at a dead end job makes good economic sense.

What message does Sean John's $200 tracksuits & $60 polo shirts scream out? Street credible balla or urban teen predator? Truly, ever since the Nabisco & RJ Reynolds merger made cynics out of animal cracker fans everywhere, this corporate marriage breaks records for perfection based on the secret mission statements of both organizations. Former cynics have had their faith in similar commercial alliances affirmed for the first time in 20+ years.

The image McD's hopes to sell through their new gangsta line o' McBling is the ever popular, �gimme yo' cash or I'll jack you, beeyotch' rather than the less popular former one, �I'm working my way through college'. With a uniform makeover, McDs hopes that the young urban kids that work at McD that used to seem unfailingly polite will now act in a more pleasingly stereotypical fashion. Not only will this be more in conformity to the pimps & playas McD hopes to attract in greater numbers, but this will additionally add a tourist attraction type feel for the millions of thrill seeking wanna bes from the �burbs who look to this culture for cool things to emulate. A new McPosition has opened up as a result of this uniform remodel, the corn row mistress, to help further McD's street cred among potential employees.

McD continues to show their concern over the plight of inner city kids, as they seek to reach out to them with their nutritious, wholesome fare. Their quest to implant in rap songs lectures about the McD way to health & satiety has garnered much critical praise & acclaim from critics the world over, especially from me. The shrewd suits at McD, who merely tried to express their desire to fit in well in the inner city through this move seemed quite surprised by the backlash to the Sean John clothing line announcement. They didn't consider this announcement to be racist, since P. Diddy is behind it, after all. The corporate juggernaut has spent millions analyzing & targeting the apparel & lifestyle of urban kids, and their impressive data they've acumulated will help generations yet to come. McD has decided that they don't merely want to sell the lucrative African American market their three meals a day; they want them sucked into the McD lifestyle, through endless years working there. They also plan to open a gift shop, complete with a full service garage in order to pimp tha ridez of customers looking for a more customized dining experience.

In spite of these jack booted strides through the ghetto, McD still doesn't feel this target demographic is being pitched at selectively enough. They are presently in talks with MC Hater to craft an ad campaign that would perfectly sum up how McD views this section of the population. Tentatively entitled the �Yo, since yo' ain't goin' ta college, might as well flip bergerz, yo! Then you can eat for less cash!' the new ad campaign is set to roll out this fall, in time for kids to drop out of school. McD had rejected the idea of offering scholarships, because as one unidentified insider claimed, "then we lose all around! No one with a college degree is going to seek out employment here, they know betta!"

A McD spokeswoman I actually spoke to told me that presently a typical McD uniform costs the company about $30. She was surprised to hear this announcement, and wondered why McD has hidden such an exciting press release from its suburban workers. She then expressed her optimistic excitement about the day when the kids in her employ would come to work gleaming in their LED belt buckles, carrying their McD personalized dog tags proudly. She anxiously awaits the new cup dispensers that are to be installed, so the new large size pimp cups wont have their rhinestones scraped off any longer by the standard dispensers that are set to be replaced this month. The new uniforms are thought to cost about $100 each, and will be given only to those who show enough formulaic excellence in inner city style to be credible when attired in this fashion.

That is, assuming the reorganization pays off & somehow McDs can stay solvent till then. An across the board price increase to pay for P. Diddy & the new uniforms is to start Monday, with the �value meals' now starting at $7.99 and drink pricing becoming more in line with movie theater prices.

Words of week.

detritus: the remains of something that has been destroyed or broken up 2) McDonalds after they changed their fries 3) McDonalds lame attempt to latch onto hip-hop culture. "I'm hate'n it!"

deleterious: Having a harmful effect; injurious. 2) p.diddy's attempt at music 3) McDonalds as health food.

poseur: One who affects a particular attribute, attitude, or identity to impress or influence others. 2) p.diddy

p.diddy: p.shiddy 2) talentless hack 3)fame and wealth grabber with no apparent talent