Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

The wisdom of the dolly mama: J. Lo sez "My plan to eliminate competition from pop tards by impregnation is working!"

A Dolly Doppelganger exclusive report!

Britney quitting pop music for her future kids is GREAT for 2 reasons: 1. It's best for her kids. 2. No more Britney 'music'! But is such a benevolent gesture really the result of benevolence on Britney's part? Or is there a more sinister force at work here behind the scenes? I examined this question on my recent trip out west to track down leads.

On this recent adventure, I discovered an internal memo in the garbage can I was rummaging through from Jennifer Lopez to her husband Marc Antony, the Roman general, politician & former husband of Cleopatra.

When I knocked on her door to inform her that her 'husband' had committed suicide in 30 BC, I was invited in by her houseboy, who assumed I was there to apply for the position of J. Lo's personal medical secretary (PMS), since I'd expressed concern for her mental state. The job interview went so well that she hired me on the spot, I think. (What else could it mean when someone stares off into the distance muttering the flavors of Eggo waffles at the conclusion of the interview?) Oh well, I declined the job anyway. In my opinion, someone as hugely talented as J. Lo needs to hire someone of a better caliber than me to mop up after her 64 Chihuahuas. I suggested she hire the two guys who work in Las Vegas, with the one guy that got eaten by a tiger, I just betcha they are seeking safe employment elsewhere!

Well anyway, under the pretense of interviewing for this job, I got to do some interviewing about this memo. What follows is the actual transcript, the best I remember. I wasn't allowed to take any notes, or record her without first paying a royalty fee, which I refused to do, as I hadn't yet rummaged through enough trashcans to find sufficient quantities of aluminum to pay for my ramen lunch. Onto the interview!

Me: Why do you think you are married to Marc Antony?

Her: Because I am! I'll sing you his song-

Me: (interrupting to prevent severe ear & tire damage) Are you aware that he died in 30 BC?

Her: No he didn't! You lie! Where's 30 BC, anyway? Is that some address in Canada?

Me: Yeah, that's it. What's this memo mean, anyway?

Her: I don't know, read it to me! You're the one wanting to be my PMS, let's see how ya do!

Me: (reading memo) Dear Marc, Cleopatra is a skanky ho, why don't you leave her & come to my house? I have a plan for global domination- forget Rome; I'm talking about
RULING THE WORLD!!

All we need to do is systematically pick off our biggest threats musically, Britney, Mariah, Paris, Lindsay, etc. & take over their positions!

You figure out what to do with those other chicks, I'm taking Britney down! I'm going to infiltrate her dancers & plant a fertile southern mole in them that'll sweep her off her feet with his promises of fried raccoon on a stick, going on midnight dates to the sales at Wal Mart, and the irresistible to southern girls lure of cars on blocks out in the yard & refrigerators on the porch. She'll fall madly in love with him, marry him, then when the lil' ol? stork is ready to come, his months of wearing away her resolve talking about untrustworthy Yankees like Michael Jackson & kids in the media that have drowned or been kidnapped, she'll quit her career to stay home & raise the 13 grimy kids with runny noses & bib overalls they plan to have. Clear out the possum patch! Make way for me!!

Her: (Struggling to pull glasses that looked like they were missing the big rubber nose & black fuzzy eyebrows out of her pocket) Hey, I don't remember writing that! (Carefully sounding out words)

What's Dee- air mean? Who is Marcie? Why are there so many letters in that word that starts with a C? What is the meaning of this?

She nailed me with a look so fierce I feared that my eyebrows might spontaneously burst into flames. For the first time, I was afraid. I nervously edged toward the door, when suddenly, J. Lo burst out laughing.

Her: Oh, yeah! My old PMS wrote this! I always wondered what it said! Thanks! (Then came the mumbling about Eggo flavors)

I tried to get her to explain to me how this scheme would help her album sales, and she tried to explain the concept of a monopoly, a popopoly, if you will. But she kept losing me every time she'd mention Baltic, Boardwalk & the little dog.

So there ya have it, antiFANS. This is the real reason Britney is retiring. Rather than condemning J. Lo, I suggest we all write her a letter of thanks, and maybe we all could pitch in to buy her the Phonics Game. Maybe if she gets busy learning to read, the world of pop could become one gigantic void.

Hey, wait a minute! The pop world already was a vast chasm of emptiness; don't forget to tell J. Lo that great news in your thank you letter!

Seriously, Brit, you are making the RIGHT decision to be a full time stay at home mom & I hope it lasts at least 18 years!

(Special note to the mentally challenged, what you just read was satire. So don't get all hissy and call out 50 Cent to bust a cap in Dolly's ass. It's a joke)