Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

Editor's note: Earlier this month we sent Dolly on special assignment to Hollywood to try and figure out how in the hell Ryan Seacrest got a star on the Walk of Fame. Something smelled fishy and it wasn't Paula Abdul's dressing room. Dolly had no idea who Ryan Seacrest was until I told her that he was the host of American Idol. "Are they that desperate for stars?" she asked. "Maybe I can get a star of my own? How much do they cost?" she added. With that she left on her quest to find out how the Walk of Fame had fallen so far from grace and to try and get her own star.

Crisis in Hollywood!
By the habitually correct Dolly D

(Due to the threat of a multi billion dollar copyright infringement lawsuit, the use of the phrase, "Walk of Fame" is limited, or we have to pay the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce a $20 royalty every time that phrase gets used.)

Shocking new evidence uncovered by Keavin suggests a crisis in Hollywood that has the Chamber of Commerce struggling to maintain a facade of normalcy regarding their dwindling star supply. "Everyone sucks!" Declared a freshly frustrated Hollywood insider. "If things keep up at this present rate, Hollywood will become as glamorous as Podunk Falls, Idaho!"

Ooops, sorry, wrong kind of stars. Keavin gives me such hard assignments that I don't always understand exactly what he wants me to write about. My frantic phone calls to NASA seconds after I read his email got me in trouble for making prank phone calls, & now my phone service has been cut off! How am I going to send in this story now, I wonder? Good thing Keavin knows how to read smoke signals & semaphore! That's the only way I was able to submit this earth shattering exposé!

I guess there's a shortage of the fake stars that celebrities pay loads of money to line some sidewalk with, somewhere out west. The 50% decrease in poverty in 1998 doubled the prices for these stars, which quadrupled the demand for them. This has led to a crushingly immanent catastrophe: a scarcity of space! I found this out in my recent travels out west to investigate this startling lead, and to see if denial of phone service is transferable across state lines. It was here that I met a funny little man in a bar, who turned out to be a top ranking Hollywood Chamber of Commerce Director. It was so touching how he wept as he confided in me over fancy drinks the hellish reality the Star Chamber faces. Before Mr. Wants to Remain Anonymous (Mr. WTRA) got so sloppy drunk I couldn't make out his slurred words, he outlined the grim future facing the Walk of Fame Star Project (SP for those of us in the cool insiders club): no one is ever going to get a star, ever again.

Mr. WTRA managed to choke out somewhat of a history of the troubles facing the SP. It seems that the Great Poverty Shortage of 1997 was poor preparation for the present day crisis. Way back then, the Chamber of Commerce Directors watched in horror as social analysts crowed & rejoiced that the amount of people around the world living in poverty had dropped by half. No one cared that such a reality would leave the SP no choice but to double the price of obtaining a star on the Walk of Fame, they had no choice but to pass this price increase on to the consumers, fan clubs & record companies.

This sudden surge in prices inadvertently tricked people into thinking that stars were desirable, and becoming scarce, leading to a stampede of demand that was quickly met by the foolish Chamber of Commerce, who suddenly became tragically swept away by their own hype. Before the Directors realized what problems they may have unleashed by opening the ranks of stars up to anyone with a valid check and 2 forms of identification, fully one third of the stars were devoted to such obscure personalities as Joe's Towing, William Tyndale and John Wycliffe. Today the star shortage that exists is a direct result of the misguided 'fixing' of the poverty shortage of yesteryear.

Sadly, while decreasing space has become the axe poised at the neck of the SP, the Chamber of Commerce flounders helplessly, completely bewildered as to the best way to handle this. Several hysterical & public tantrums by the Director in Charge, Chairperson of the Board, Her Royal Lady Queen Karen Diehl-Casey-Sayre-Williams, Defender of the
Stars, Bestower of the Goods have not lessened the severity of this crisis. Her anguish over this perplexing problem is what drove my anonymous friend to confide in me, hopeful that I might come up with a suggestion to eliminate this crisis facing the forces of all that's good.

Naturally, I had many helpful solutions.

Since only 40 spots for stars are left, the quantity as well as the quality of stars that can be given out to those with $15,000 to spend on something for people to walk on is greatly reduced. I quickly pointed out to my drunk friend that since doubling the cost only increased the interest, the Chamber might want to consider offering 2 for 1 Tuesdays, or a green stamp or coupon promotion to disenchant people from the prospect of having a star of their own. After all, is something you didn't pay too much money for, which was advertised on the radio & in newspapers as the Super Slasher Star Whale of a Deal Bargain Day offer the panache of an expensive star that few will ever own?

My next suggestion was rejected, but not by my friend. I'd proposed closing off 6 blocks of whatever rustic little lane runs in front of the Wok of Fame, and converting it entirely to stars. A few phone calls later & I learned a colorful but anatomically impossible way to say, "That idea is preposterous".

My next brilliant suggestion was met with such enthusiasm that I was emboldened to expand it to the now agreed upon remedy. First of all, the SP is going to stop awarding stars to corpses. The "posthumous category" is to be eliminated in the 2006 star awarding season for all serious disciplines of entertainment: dog & pony shows, TV, radio, movies, plays, circus freaks, concerts & NASCAR crashes. One requirement of all star holders is now that they have to demonstrate an active heart beat, unassisted.

My anonymous fancy drink buyer got so giddy at the prospect of so much real estate suddenly being freed up that he bought the entire block drinks! (I think! His speech was getting pretty fuzzy at that point, but I think I told the bartender that message correctly!)

My next proposal was so great that my new found friend was literally staggering under the greatness of it. (I think that's why he was staggering! He sure loved my idea, though; he kept hugging me & telling me I was a genius & that he loved me, at any rate!) In November, all stars belonging to the following categories of people are to be jack hammered off: dead stars, dubious 'stars', stars that have more than one star, and people no one ever heard of. Right away this one proposal frees up at least 2,000 of the 2,400 available, offering the opportunity for this 'problem' to come back to infest some future generation long after we're all dead.

We'll see if our descendants are as smart as us to handle this threat. (No, I guess we won't see anything like that, we'll be long dead & entirely rotted away by the time this crisis comes back. Those future whippersnappers better learn from their wise elders like me, or they'll end up having to do something else to control this problem!