Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

The title of this article is my free, helpful suggestion on one possible rhyme. I'm sure Snoop®, J®, & Fiddy® can come up with even better ones of their own.

The opportunities to make money off inanimate objects abound. Take this article, for instance, that I'm typing on my Hewlett- Packard ® computer as I slurp down a huge Diet Coke® with Lime®, (it's the real thing! or whatever their purchased slogan of the month is) I could, of course just eat a Vivarin® if I wanted the caffeine boost, but then I might need to pop a (sleep aid ad placement opportunity here, available to the highest bidder! Contact me through eBay! ®) in order to get to sleep tonight. I could have purchased my drink at the convenient stores of Speedway® if I wasn't too lazy & tired to leave the house. As I ponder buying a Toro® snow blower for next winter, I can't help but to contemplate how much better my life is today than my ancestors' was, because I don't live in the old days. Since I use Tampax Tampons®, my laundry days are a great deal more pleasant than my ancestors'.

If any rapper manages to insert ads for McDonald's into songs about slappin' bitches, boinkin' hoes, & tending his basement herb garden, I will be so impressed & amazed at their talent at wordsmithery that I might actually consider thinking about buying.... Nah, this is nothing more than a pathetic attempt by an establishment with food too horrible to attract customers on its own to cash in on a trend that should be planted 6 feet under, not watered & nurtured. I'm not buying any CDs & I'm going to stick to my refusal to buy "food" at Mcuckalds®

This new offer might earn rappers some respect, maybe. Writing jingles for Mac and Don's Supper Club is the closest to holding a real job any of those guys will ever have, and maybe that might make their moms able to go out in public without being embarrassed about their son's line of work. (Well, maybe I'm just unreasonably optimistic.)

The cool thing about this new offer by McD's is that my already rap & McD detesting kids won't be tempted to start liking either of those repellent entities. It would be far more dangerous if, say, Meshuggah were to start pimpin' for Beluga Caviar or Mercedes. "C'mon, mom, if we buy this osmium dog collar we'll be just like Tomas Haake!! Well how about the iridium contact lense case... WAHHHHH! You suck, you never buy me anything!"

Well, I hope the rappin' fools do it their way (ooops, sorry about the Burger King® plug! They just contacted me via e- Bay!® If you're gonna eat fried, salty, greasy food, slurp, smack, might as well eat somewhere that isn't going to give you the urge to vomit with every breath of the oil saturated air, Burger King rules, woo hoo, hurry up & mail me my check.)

I'll be looking forward to the next McDonalds pushin', Big Mac chompin' rap CD that finds its way into antiMusic's hands! I'm sure I'll love it!

Words of week.

perfidious: tending to betray

pecuniary: consisting of, measured in, or relating to money

ambidextrous: 3)Deceptive or hypocritical

shoal: Having little depth; shallow