Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

And here's what their name needs to mean:
Plant
Eradication
Terror
Alliance

What short sighted hypocrites those PETA losers are! As if J. Lo's beautiful coats pose more of a threat to the world wide HEALTH and SAFETY of the UNIVERSE that the systematic eradication of plant life poses. This is a threat I just can't get those PETAs to take seriously! They are too busy torching science labs, suing restaurants and poisoning swimming pools contaminated with penguins all in the name of "saving" stupid, ugly, horrible, smelly, otherwise useless critters! But the noble animals that once were alive do not interest PETA at all! Nope, don't try to tell them the origins of fossil fuels, or they just laugh evilly, rev their engines even louder and spit big honkin' loogies out of their nostrils at me when I try! Go to PETA headquarters, 501 Front Street, Norfolk, VA 23510 and protest their excuses and inaction as billions of plants are destroyed every hour. What will we breathe when the world's oxygen resources are exhausted, Guinea Pigs and rattlesnakes?

If PETA really wanted to be relevant & make a huge difference, they would join my group, Plant Memorial Servants (PMS) and help me hold plant funerals at lumber mills, bakeries, and land raping cotton based sweatshops. Actually, since all clothes are made from plants in some state of decay or other, no one should wear clothes at all. Let's see PETA fighting off pesky nuisance arrests & lawsuits for indecent exposure as they team up with me to launch a billboard and TV campaign advocating protecting plants from scheming clothing manufacturers. What's that PETA? You can't help because you are too busy harassing school kids with gory comic books about their mommies as you encourage minors to drink more beer? What a surprise!

It's also little wonder that PETA ignores federal discrimination against plants. In doing so, they reveal their disinterest in one set of living organisms in their misguided zeal to "save" another. Post offices, restaurants, movie theaters all allow so called service animals into their establishments, and this is a federal statute. Yet don't even think of dragging your Rose of Sharon tree along in a tasteful pot secured in a wagon, you'll be told to leave- I know this first hand! Cactus lonely? Sunflower drooping with boredom? Oak tree scared stiff? too bad! Leave 'em home! They are UNWELCOME everywhere you or a dog can go! This whole subject makes me so mad I feel like adopting every animal in the humane society, flaying them till their fur hangs off them in bloody tatters then burning them alive and eating them, grrrr! That would be a fitting revenge.

And speaking of discrimination against plants, there are police dogs, police men, when was the last time you heard of an evergreen being deputized? You know any Sheriff Bluegrass species? What about any Army Oak Tree Rangers? I guess dogs get all the good jobs! How stupid and irresponsible! What would put a meth dealer out of business quicker, some 130 pound German Shepherd dragging him to the ground to be arrested, or some 2 ton Redwood tree falling on him & crushing him? What would cost a child pornographer more, some dumb police dog busting him and a judge setting a high bail for him, or a row of pine trees planted close enough to his house that they break his foundation to crumbs with their web like root system? Do you have any idea how expensive and inconvenient it is to have to repair or replace your house's foundation? Clearly plants are much better suited for the world of crime prevention than idiotic flea factories!

Even if plants weren't the superior kingdom, dogs would still suck. They pee on trees & bushes even though they know full well that the nitrogen content in their urine is potent enough to kill grass. They eat grass when it's going to rain, what arrogance! Do bushes eat their puppies when it's going to be windy? Do vines creep around dogs' necks and strangle them when afternoon is coming? As if that weren't enough, they dig holes in gardens and yards, destroying and flinging everywhere the innocent little plants who not only are trapped where they stand, they are completely incapable of screaming out for help. It's up to humans to save our national plant population from animals as well as people!

What about cats? Are they as rotten and mean as dogs? After all, they go potty in a clay or sand filled litter box, and around here, they eat the dog meat I butcher, they are truly plant's best friends, no? Actually, they are worse! They dig their sharp claws deep into tree bark to scramble up trees when they like a change of scenery. Anyone who's ever been deeply clawed by a sadistic, horrible, wretched cat knows the pain their gouges can cause. Now if they were nicely trying to evict sloppy birds and cruel squirrels, I wouldn't hate cats. But nope! With singular minded devotion they only concern themselves with how high they can climb, ignoring entirely the tree's silent shrieks of pain, a cacophony of howls and moans that remain unsaid as the noble deciduous can't even wipe away his own tears, or lick his own snot off of his non existent upper lip. Don't even get me started on that kitty narcotic they abuse, known as catnip!

In a perfect world, we would all live in houses entirely made out of gravel, we'd eat water and vitamins, and wear nothing at all. We'd sit & sleep on the floor in our refusal to have as furniture or cabinets anything not made out of ceramic, metal, or porcelain. That'd be the only way to truly live in harmony with all the other living creatures we inhabit this planet with. But after all this writing on this topic, I hate animals so much more than I ever did before! I just can't wait for barbecue season, this year I'm going to feast! Oh no! What will I use to fuel my fire? How long do you think dogs and cats have to dry before they'll keep a fire going for three hours? If anyone from PETA knows the answer to that question, please post it in the "Fan Speak" section, I'd appreciate it! I have to plan for next winter, you know. (If J.Lo's business associates are reading this, contact me if you want to buy any of the fur I'm not planning to burn.)

Words of week.

Meretricious: Plausible but false or insincere; specious: a meretricious argument.

Sectarian One characterized by bigoted adherence to a factional viewpoint.

Bellicose: Warlike in manner or temperament; pugnacious

Mendacious: Lying; untruthful