Popular Culture Explained

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

Hetty Green is my favorite historical character. She epitomizes an attitude so out of step with common people, that her life's story is truly unique. I am delighted to hand over this prestigious designation to a very deserving band: Metallica.

Before you applaud and start throwing flowers at your computer screen, let me tell you what this award stands for, by telling you about the important role in history Hetty played. I'm sure that after you compare the two characters, Hetty & Metallica, you will see how the two are really cosmic soulmates, separated by only time.

Hetty Green's worth in today's dollars would be in the billions. She lived in the late 1800's, and when she died she left the staggering sum of $100 million dollars. She parlayed an inheritance of 1 million into the fortune she couldn't carry to the grave with her, through the brave new world of stocks and bonds. Such financial savvy isn't why I know her name, and it isn't why Metallica is being given this award. What Hetty is most famous for is her stingy ways. You can do an internet search and come up with many amusing & charming stories about her parsimony that space limits me from getting into. Primarily I want to analyze Hetty's treatment of the people who loved & looked up to her: her children, and Metallica's treatment of those who love & look up to them: the Raven's Heart Foundation.

Hetty hoarded vast sums of wealth at the time in history of the country's first Great Depression, which pushed prices to outrageous new heights. A brand new car cost between $500-$2000 ($115,000-$460,000 at today's pricing), a bar of soap cost $.05 bar ($11.50), beef cost $.13/ pound ($30/#). It was indignities such as these that forced the wealthy Mrs. Green to do whatever she could to save pennies. This included, most memorably, refusing to take her 14 year old son to the hospital when he injured his leg, preferring to treat it at home. Her nursing expertise meant that he had to have it amputated. She ate the same meal every morning, oatmeal that she cooked on her house's heating system. She shunned luxuries such as baths and laundry services, preferring to have laundered only the bottom edges of her garments, "The only part that's actually dirty" once or twice a year. She'd wear a dress until it hung on her like rags and she always dressed in black, earning her the loving nickname, 'The Witch of Wall Street'. Clearly she is hero for some to emulate.

So out of all of the deserving people, corporations and entities, why Metallica? Is it their lengthy history of suing their own fans? No, although Hetty was known to sue even her relatives in her quest to keep all of her money to herself. Is it their attempt to pander to the lowest common denominator music fan, who slobbers over Linkin Park, their wannabes and any such bubblegum- alt lite music? Nope, although I'm sure Hetty sold out (certain stocks & bonds, I mean,) many times over to get to her status as the wealthiest woman in history. Is it their attempt to turn every mention of them or use of their music by private individuals into revenue? That's getting pretty close to the types of Hettyisms I look for in my quest to award this coveted prize.

A recent news story featuring an interview with James Hetfield secured the lead for them in this year's running. It seems the army has now included as standard equipment on some of their tanks, massive speakers designed to pummel the enemy with loud, American rock & roll. Whatever CDs the enlisted men have with them, that's what the army would use, be it Brittney, Run DMC, or our award winner's. When a magazine contacted James, his reaction to the news that his now lame music was being used against the Iraqi soldiers to demoralize them (which probably takes milliseconds: that's how long it takes me to dissolve in deep, grieved tears whenever I hear any given HettyGreenallica song since their black album. To hear such promise going to waste is incredibly depressing!) Anyway, the very first sentence out of James' mouth wasn't, "Cool, though we're cozy & safe here in our mansions, we are doing what little we can to help end this war so our boys can come home." It wasn't, "Wow! People actually still like us enough to buy our latest CD, '"Craptallica- A Fresh Load of Droppings for You!' & bring it to war with them!?" It was something along the lines of, "Well, since the army hasn't paid us for the use of our music, we didn't know a thing about it." I presume a lawsuit against the U.S. government will soon be announced from the Hettytallica's legal team. Oh, joy! They'll soon be rich enough they won't need to keep playing music to sustain their fortune!! (But they no doubt will continue, as the Hetty Green drive for more runs deep in their veins!) What cemented their victory was their steadfast refusal to lift a finger to aid someone who looked to them for help- The Raven's Heart Foundation.

It's disappointing, but not surprising that HGtallica would ignore a fundraiser that asks them to donate either themselves to the concert, or stuff they own to the fundraising auction, free of charge. This is of course, not the first time this band has turned their backallicas on their fans in need. Just ask Henry Rollins, organizer of the fundraiser and album for the West Memphis Three, which was an attempt to raise money for the legal defense & retrial of 3 metal head teens that were charged, tried & condemned, 1 to death & 2 to life imprisonments for a crime the evidence shows they didn't commit. There is in fact, some evidence that a relative of one of the victims probably is the guilty murderer. Yet when you're young, broke & railroaded, justice is nonexistent. Although Greedallica allowed HBO to include one of their songs on the documentary on the subject, Henry was unable to convince them to join this collaboration. Performing even one song on the benefit album would have done more for these kids than an incendiary documentary that just encourages helpless rage at the country's present joke of a justice system. I don't know how much cash those doomed kids spent on Miserallica merchandise before their witch hunt- like trial & incarceration. But I know their spending benefited Can'tbebotheredica as does the spending of every other sucker who continues to support the Nolongermetallica juggernaut.

Interestingly, James recently contributed a chapter to the fund raising book, "Last Pentacle of the Sun: Writings in Support of the West Memphis Three", which nearly put them in danger of losing this year's award. But, due to my kind nature, I kept them as the only candidates in the running. However, in honor of James actually making a contribution to something other than his own bank account, I bestowed James with a unique honor: I revised this article & took out every instance of substituting a dollar sign for the s in his name. Congrats, J! Don't lose hope Lar$, maybe sometime in the future you'll be able to regain your honor, if you ever had any, helping some other greedy, demanding, time wasting 'fan'!

I apologize for spending this entire article pointing out the putridly ugly omissions at this festival rather than focusing on the wonderful greatness this event encouraged & attracted. Please don't hold that against me; when roses grow on top of the septic tank, sometimes the stench of the septic tank is a little overwhelming even as you notice the pretty flowers. Time to smell the roses. On January 20 there was a massive, over 18 show of the best bands in metal- they are the best bands because they are setting aside their time, their greed, their legitimate money making opportunities elsewhere to help out a dying baby that none of them are related to, for no reason other than it's a benevolent thing to do. Raven's metal head parents sent out an internet call to the metal community, and though this is largely was ignored by the mainstream media, the who's who of metal responded to the call. One month almost to the day after helplessly watching his brother get murdered before his eyes, Vinnie Paul was on hand to show support, as was Charlie Benante & Scott Ian of Anthrax. Disturbed bought their own plane tickets from Chicago to play for this gig, and actions like those should be what this article was all about. Be sure to check out the Raven's heart site for the lengthy, impressive list of the many fine men of metal who turned out in droves to lend their talent to this worthy cause.

Now let's plunge back into the sewage. What makes this story so sad is that in spite of this couple's devotion to metal, their getting married & giving birth to their kids as Metallica tunes played, their naming two of their kids after Lar$ & James, in spite of them being arguably two of the reason for the Suetallica & Greedallica direction of the band in recent years, what's notable about the bands that played is the absence of you guessed it, the Hetty Greens of the music world! I assume they were way too busy that day to get away. Maybe that was their once a year laundry day, maybe they were too tied up with home health care of their kids to bother with someone else's problem. Maybe everything they own is so roach infested & filthy that they just couldn't, in good conscience, donate anything to anyone but their garbage collectors. All I know for sure is that Lar$ had a gay ol' time hanging out at Sundance movie fest with his significant other, the model. I think they were in hot pursuit of whatever it is that catches the fancy of teenagers these days. The pursuit of hedonism is a far more interesting one than doing some good deed for free for some baby that's too little to support them by buying their t- shirts, posters, tickets, CDs, and the like.

Enjoy your award! You guys earned it like no one else! Keep on in this fine tradition, and you might just win Hetty Green of the century!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Soon your lawyers will be in touch. I'll sit by my phone & wait for the call. (Wow! What a great new thing to try out! Instead of alienating fans by suing them, you'll be suing alienated former fans! That's how to keep your
fortune growing!)

http://ravensheart.org/ for more on baby Raven

http://www.wm3.org/ for more on the West Memphis Three

Words of week.
Parsimonious: excessively unwilling to spend; "parsimonious thrift relieved by few generous impulses"

Reciprocality: a relation of mutual dependence or action or influence

Esurient: Hungry; greedy

Dissonant:1.Harsh and inharmonious in sound; discordant 2.Being at variance; disagreeing 3.Lars drum tracks on "St. Anger"