Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

I don't know about you, but I was shocked when the Texas Court System locked up Andrea Yates for aborting her 5 kids after they were born. Who were that judge & jury trying to suck up to, pro life, right wing conspirators? I can't think of anything more deplorable than a woman getting punished for exercising her constitutionally protected right to choose to kill her kids. That 'right of privacy' clause in the Constitution does include postnatal abortions done in the privacy of a person's bathtub, after all. Have no fear, I'm always right. Andrea is a modern day Rosa Parks, acting on behalf of moms that hate their kids after they're born as well as before. I've decided to celebrate her impending release & exoneration after her new trial, as well as the 32 year anniversary of Roe vs. Wade by knocking off one of my little annoying kids, probably my 5 year old. I'll either stab him in the base of the skull with a pair of scissors, then shop vac out his brains, or I'll hack him into little pieces, I haven't decided yet. But before we heap all of the praise for advancing women's rights on Andrea alone, we must look at those who have gone before her.

First came The Declaration of Independence. This document was crucial to this country, because it sets forth our utter independence from all restraints, giving us Americans full freedom to do whatever we feel like, whenever we feel like doing it. It was this event in history that cemented my right to kill anyone who gets on my nerves. Next came The Gettysburg Address, the quiet end to years of slavery, after the bloody but civil war that lie in between. This war set casualty records unbroken until recently. At fault was the high tech weapons which outpaced advances in the field of medicine. I'm happy to report that Roe vs. Wade reversed this embarrassing statistic. In 2000, the formerly low tech field of medicine killed more Americans than the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, World Wars I & II, the Korean, Vietnam, & Gulf Wars combined! But all human achievements pale in comparison to the central most important event in all of history: the 1973 Supreme Court ruling that brought true freedom to this country!

Before we continue, shed a tear over the fact that there's only Wade today; Roe disqualified herself from mention in this column by crossing over to the other side. She now fights to get the most important decision in all of history overturned. Hey, thanx, Jane! Maybe you could get a descendant of Abe Lincoln to reinstate slavery, while you're at it! In the days before abortion, after all, women were enslaved by men. More accurately, by their unwanted offspring. Every unwanted pregnancy was a woman's personal 9/11, but worse- a war waged in her body, by a legally protected terrorist of great cunning, who high jack sperm, break into eggs & explode into millions of cells. The men in this country don't advocate a pacifistic approach to wars waged on native soil, how hypocritical to expect women to!

Feminists and abortion activists all agree that this is the most brilliant, perfect, complex but simple, wonderfully, excellent, peak of legal perfection decision ever passed down in the history of all recorded history. The Romans inventing representative government, the discovery of the heliocentric movement of the planets, the discovery of penicillin, and all the other major scientific breakthroughs of all the years this planet has existed are worthless compared to the profound, life changing significance of Roe v. Wade. This ruling, representing the pinnacle of enlightened thinking, reversed thousands of years of legal oppression of & discrimination against women. For the first time ever, women could perform even greater acts of sacrifice than men, who can merely abandon the children they create then don't want. The court officially ruled that since kids are worthless, they should be butchered like chickens if the woman who made them is so inclined, regardless of anyone's opinion, including the dad's! Finally! A ruling that makes sense, and benefits so many people! Given the fact that men are the primary cause of pregnancy, they are in no position but to help us out of it in any way they can, even if they are opposed to it. I have an excellent suggestion that needs to be implemented immediately.

Since Andrea defined for an entire generation what it truly means to be pro choice, Eddie Vedder is morally obligated to throw together a "Rock Against Life" benefit concert for Andrea's legal defense. He could get all of his "kill off future fans before they're born" buddies to broaden their minds to include murdering future fans in their childhood, as Andrea boldly did. You owe her at least that, Ed. She's been on your side, now get on hers! The killing of children is one of the messages you want spread far & wide, so c'mon out to Texas buddy, the weather is fine, and your voice is needed! Anyway, since the Raven's Heart thing is diametrically opposed to all you stand for, this is a real opportunity to show you are benevolent; you just believe that the only good kid is a dead kid. This could lead to great things in politics for you! You could legalize all killings, while reforming the prisons by pointing out that since murder is nothing more than a very late term abortion, legal is legal, let 'em all out! You could run for president on that platform, dude!!! Many celebrities would jump right on board with you on this one, as would conservatives who want lower taxes, liberals who want more crimes decriminalized, people formerly known as murderers and everyone in between.

You could use this to educate conservatives; I just don't understand why they don't embrace abortion more than they do. There's so little not to like about it, and so much to agree with! They are just a hard political group to figure out. They pretend to like deregulation, and big businesses. Yet the abortion industry is #2 only to drug dealing in unregulated industries, and still they oppose it! It shovels in $500 million dollars a year, making it a very big business that creates lots of jobs, as it lowers the amount of potential welfare recipients, but still they vote against it. People like this ignore plant & animal murder rates, which are higher here than in any nation: they use paper bags, they build big huge wooden framed houses, they wear fur & leather, eat veal, don't care if chickens spend their lives imprisoned in a tiny pen, unable to move, as they lay their eggs. Yet they have a double standard for babies before they're even born. Those people just don't make sense. They even oppose abortion when the woman's life is in danger, gimme a break! If my life was in danger and I was pregnant, I know the only thing that would make me feel safe would be to partially deliver my kid, flip him over while holding his head in my uterus and give him the scissors & shop vac treatment. This political group just doesn't make sense, and clearly need some enlightenment.

But since Texas just loves executing people, here is my list of who they could rightly prosecute instead. Her husband: for not insisting they dump their results of conception into day care & school so Andrea could do something besides sit home & hate her kids all day. Andrea's parents: they need to stand in judgment for their poor parenting for not teaching her when she was still a teenager, like Planned Parenthood wants everyone to do, that abortion is best in the months prior to live birth (with the exception of partial birth abortion, of course.) At least Andrea made sure that her poor parenting broke this vicious cycle of incompetence! None of her kids will ever abuse & poorly parent their kids! Great thinking, Andi! This 'breaking the cycle of violence in families' sound bite is the property of the YWCA, last time I checked. Maybe now that they fired Patricia Ireland, they need to consider replacing her with Andrea. Andrea is the epitome of women's rights (except for that backwards, 'stay home & hate the kids' bit. Oh well, Planned Parenthood gave Margaret Sanger a historical revision that hid her secret, racist eugenics program, YWCA could just do the same thing with Andi.) She's so pro choice that she'll face the death penalty to stand up for the rights of women everywhere to kill their kids. You go, girl! How about pro life people who keep clogging the courts with protest lawsuits? If it weren't for them, we'd be as civilized as the Swedish or the Dutch, where you can drop off your elderly relatives, your retarded toddlers or any other unwanted byproducts of intercourse at the hospital, pick up your dry cleaning, pop into a coffee house for a while, then go back & pick up urns of your formerly loved ones' ashes. Advanced ideas from countries like those need to be implemented here. Since America is an automobile dependant culture, though we may not be the first to legalize euthanasia & infanticide, we could be the first to offer these crucial services via drive-thru!

So what do you say Mr. Vedder? Andrea's women's right crusade could go all the way to the Supreme Court but she needs your help. When the concert date & details for Andrea are finalized, be sure to post the info in the 'fan speak' section of this article so we all know where to send money. Unless, of course you're all tied up in Florida for the upcoming cutting of the Terry Schiavo's feeding tube ceremony. Has her family invited you, as the "Rock Against Life" chairman & founder, to do the honors? Just think!! One more beneficiary of choice! Try not to pee yourself in excitement! Since Veridical Polemic contacted you with this excellent plan for this benefit concert, it's only fair we get first crack at publicizing this event. See ya soon!! And by the way, you're welcome!

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