I think I'm gonna sprain my wrist today with all the slapping I have to do. If anyone has even been ubber slapp-worthy it 'tis little miss Lindsay "OH MY GAWD, like, um, like, you know, okay!" Lohan.  Not to say that she could take up scuba diving by attaching air-hoses from her ears to a mouth piece, she may be a rocket scientist for all I know, but what I do know is this girl just keeps on irritating me. 

Slappable offense number one: What's with all the bad Disney remakes?  Did we really need a new "Freaky Friday"? Isn't this like the 15th time they remade that movie? And sorry Lindsay but you are no Jodi Foster. I hear tell that the geniuses over at Disney are using their latest Hayley Mills clone to remake the "Love Bug".  Someone please tell me who let the acid freaks out at Disney again.  The fricken "Love Bug"? If ever a movie was just asking to be buried in the graveyard of cinematic shame it is this classic piece of dross.  Lindsay honey, you need to stick to new bad rip off of a dozen other films like "Mean Girls," instead of these bad Disney remakes. 

Slappable offense number two: Two words: studio magic. It's not bad enough that you put out ultra lame Disney remakes, you somehow caught Kelly Osbourne syndrome (a new disorder recently discovered that makes teenage girls exposed to video cameras believe they can sign). What gave you the bright idea that a pop music career was a good idea? It's bad enough that we have to avoid you on HBO and the movie theatres but now we get blasted with your halfhearted attempt at music on the radio and every damn show that features musical guests on TV. Your music is so bad, you make Motley Crue sound like the Beatles!  I know some brilliant bozo at the record company had a light bulb go off over his head and thought, "you know we haven't flooded the market with enough crap, let's sign up a teen actress and try and pass her off as a singer!"  And they wonder why their profit margins are shrinking (more on that later this week). 

Slappable offense number three: Did you see the MTV story quoted in the Day in Rock yesterday about Lindsay hiring Michael Moore's lawyers?  No? Well here is the gist of it. Her lawyers sent out a nice little seven-page love letter to some celeb reporters warning them that they will be in big trouble if they dare to report the "false and damaging statements" made by her dad. Excuse me, did her lawyers flunk Constitutional Law 101? I mean we should just ignore reporter's 1st amendment right to freedom of the press when a teen actress/wanna-be-singer is involved. That's much more important than journalistic freedom! 

I'm not a lawyer but to my limited knowledge of the law, it's one thing for a reporter to write something libelous (like if I were to make up like oh my gawd, like bogus like Lindsay quotes like you know), especially if they pull a New Republic or New York Times and just make it all up, but it's entirely another thing to quote or report something that someone else said.  I can see if the reporter knows going in that the quote is B.S. and writes it as fact and does not attribute it to a quote, but to send a cease-and-desist letter to reporters that are just reporting what someone said?  That's just like Michael Moore threatening critics with legal action if they "slander" his films by writing anything negative about them or driving Big Mac trucks through his logic (Big Mac because he might be hungry).  The old glass houses legal maneuver. Which makes way for the new age adage, 'those with the most money for lawyers win!' 

I do feel for you Lindsay. Having your parent divorce is bad enough without your dad saying nasty things in the media. I honestly do feel for you there. But isn't it your dad making the "false and damaging statements"?  The celeb media have a hard enough job convicting Michael Jackson before his trial without having to worry about being sued by you when your lawyers should be going after the source of the statements (your dad).  That being said, Mr. Lohan if you would like to do an interview, I'll do my best to sneak it into publication under my editor's nose. If I can manage that, I'll make sure to print every word! 

So to sum up why Lindsay is ubber slappworthy:  Bad movies, bad music and bad legal maneuvers.  Congrats, you are the new winner of the triple slapp crown!  Now go and remake "The Shaggy Dog". Better yet, you can remake the 1998 Disney classic "My Date With the President's Daughter". That idea hasn't been run into the ground yet.  Like, yeah, right, you know. 

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