Everyone loves an underdog, but COME ON DAWG (to quote American Idol's Randy Jackson.)  I saw a twirp tonight that might as well still be wearing diapers-both as a performer and naturally as a dude.  He's 17, but you could knock 7 years off and not notice in terms of the lack of puberty he's gone through.  That's really not the point of this rant though- it's the LISP he's sportin' to go along with his lack of facial hair.  I am only aware of one other singer whose ever had any success in the record business with a pronounceable lisp, and that was hair metal band KIX's frontman Steve Whiteman.  The fact that this rant is likely the first substantial press he's gotten in the past 15 years says everything that needs to be said about the success rate for LISPY singers.  This kid has NO BUSINESS being on television, unless he's in one of those speech therapy instructional videos on how to correct a lisp.  I mean this dude could have been Jim
Carrey's vocal clone in the Cable Guy, and that's what he would likely end up as if he didn't look like he came straight outta 'Revenge of the Nerds' which implies he probably is a straight-A geek and can still go to college.  Look little fella, it's good to have a hobby but you have about as much business in the record business as Ashley Simpson. 

Is American Idol looking to become a caricature of itself?  It's well on the way with this joker.  I can understand why they throw clowns like this into the audition shows, but there's NO WAY this dude belongs on that stage along so many legitimately viable potential stars.  In an effort to do something 'different' this year- which is working because American Idol's ratings are higher than ever- they may end up giving this kid WAY more exposure- and therein damage in the long term- than he either needs or deserved.  He has a good sense of humor about his dorky look, but it's the LISP that will come back to haunt him the most.  That lisp is the kind of thing that gets your ass kicked on the playground, let alone if you show it off on a broader stage like national television, prepare for the late night talk show comics to have a new victim to replace Clay Aiken.  That in fact is a perfect example of where the geeky image thing can work if the voice is there to compensate.  If Clay Aiken had a lisp, even half as severe as this dude's, he'd NEVER have had a chance to win.  It just wouldn't happen.  Hopefully, the show's judges- and MOST IMPORTANTLY- America's voters will not let it happen here, it would be a travesty for someone truly deserving of the opportunity.

This might sound cold, but the record business is a cut throat one, especially in terms of honesty- most often expressed in rejection based on viable demographic statistics on what will and won't sell, i.e. justify the investment a label will have to make in breaking any new star.  This kid would NEVER be let into the building, let alone be signed to even a development deal- unless he was being groomed as a circus attraction at a traveling freak show.   The saddest part is the sick joke someone is playing on this kid is actually convincing him he had a shot at all at the legitimate brass ring of stardom- NOT EVEN CLOSE! He's wouldn't even be allowed to ride a roller coaster at the theme park, he's a true junior, i.e. amateur, i.e. does NOT BELONG ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.  This guy makes PAUL WALL- one of my favorite critical stomping grounds lately- look like he's a star.  I mean, it's that funny. 

I mean, even Ryan Seacrest was messing with the kid about his geekiness before his song began- jokingly calling him a GANGSTA- and afterward, compared the kid to a tweety-bird.  The saddest and greatest tragedy in this whole affair is the fact that this kid actually has it in his head that he's not on the show to fill the 'fluke or joke contestant' quota, much as that ridiculous prison guard contestant whose name I forget did last season.  That was laughable in a different way, but I think American Idol's taking this 'non-discriminate' approach to choosing their contestants a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit too far, because this kid shouldn't have EVER gotten an initial audition.  He shouldn't have gotten a shot because he HAS NO SHOT, and it's as simple as that.  It's too bad some far more legitimately qualified could-have-been-contestant is being cheated of his chance to become the next American Idol so this kid can feel better about his nerdiness.  I'm sorry, but that's all this is an exercise in the end.  He even had the gall to refer to himself as a 'SEX SYMBOL.'  If this guy's a sex symbol, then Scott Peterson didn't kill his wife.  It's truly that ridiculous.  If you want to root for a real American Idol-to-be, vote for contestant Chris Daughtry, that dude deserves your vote!
 
 
 

Shameless Plug: on April 25th, 2006, Versailles Records will release 'Its So Easy: A Millennium Tribute to Guns N' Roses', featuring current/former members of Guns N' Roses, Heart, Ozzy Osbourne Band, Love/Hate, Adler's Appetite, Deep Purple, Riot, Rainbow, Lillian Axe, White Lion, Warrant, Pretty Boy Floyd, Faster Pussycat, LA Guns, Ratt, LA Guns, Lita Ford Band, Slash's Snakepit, Brides of Destruction, etc.  That same day, the label will release the debut LPs from Italy's The RadioVipers, and Canada's One Bad Son!  To learn more, visit www.versaillesrecords.com, www.radiovipers.com, and www.onebadson.com.

About the author: Jake Brown is owner/operator of Nashville-based Versailles Records and a biographer who has published several books. Click here to more details.