Dolly's Ode To Ten

In honor of antiMusic's TENth anniversary (WOOOOO!!!!) I have recently spent countless hours- at least TEN- thinking about the number TEN. This anniversary is profoundly important, because as you will soon learn, the number TEN is the most important force in nature. It is also legal, untaxed & unregulated- FOR NOW! Write your congressmen & urge them to keep the number TEN free! antiMusic's future is at stake!!

Anyway, my ruminations were a fascinating use of my aTENtion, which I might otherwise have wasted mediTENating on something far less worthy, like.... I dunno, whatever.

OK, anyway, here are all the facts about the mystical magical number TEN that I know you never knew. Interestingly, there are only 10 known facts about this number, spooky, huh!? And here they are!!

1.)}]/:\;,= I just made ten things indicating that the number 1 was ending, and the word "I" was starting- so clearly Christopher Latham Sholes, the inventor of the typewriter was a closeted fan of the number TEN all of his life. His name also has TEN letters in each part, if you add them up, then take the square root, then divide by the numeric value of each letter, then eat a sandwich, then subtract by the amount necessary to bring you closest to number TEN without going over, then add whatever value is missing to bring you to....TEN. TEN IS THE INDUSTRY LEADER IN KEYBOARDS!!

2.)}]/:\;,= There are TEN rivers in Madagascar. Know what else is in the rivers in Madagascar? I dunno, I think Keavin should send me on a fact finding tour so I can do an in-depth, antiMusic exclusive report on what I find! I'll start packing, cuz prolly any second some plane tickets are gonna show up for me to go do some research (WOOOOO!!!!)! TEN IS THE KING OF GEOGRAPHY!!

3.)}]/:\;,= TEN times a day the average person gets so bored while on the clock that s/he tortures animals, makes prank calls, spikes the office coffee pot with bodily fluids or sends 'gimme money' chain letters at work to see what will happen. TEN people every year die from complications arising from the above TEN things people do when they are bored. TEN government committees are presently studying safer ways for US workers to relieve boredom, and plan to raise taxes TEN percent to pay for their bloated programs.
TEN hundred thousand million people hate this idea so much they are planning to assassinate TEN people at random in TEN minutes. TEN IS THE MASTER OF BOREDOM ALLEVIATION!!

4.)}]/:\;,= TEN poptards a minute explosively decompress when the vacuum in their cranial cavity becomes dislodged & works its effect on their body. This tragedy is unpreventable, in spite of sENaTors tireless efforts to make rampant stupidity illegal. TEN IS THE MOST EXCITING DEVELOPMENT IN MUSIC HISTORY!!

5.)}]/:\;,= TEN minutes from now it will be TEN minutes later than it was TEN minutes ago. Well, maybe it will be twenty minutes later, actually, but TWENTY is a MULTIPLE of TEN. In TWENTY years, antiMusic will be TEN years older than it will be in TEN years. Will you still be reading it!?!?! YES you will be, unless you explosively decompress before then..... TEN IS FLEXIBLE AND VERSATILE!!

6.)}]/:\;,=There are TEN eyelashes on a cat. After pulling each of them carefully out, you will have a very small pile, measurable by the metric system which SUCKS WITH A MEASURABLE VELOCITY. This velocity? TEN! TEN IS WORLDWIDE!!

7) TEN rocks a year are invented & patented by Al Gore, statesman, diplomat, party animal. He is hoping to win a trifecta in Nobel Prizes, which is TEN prizes from every category. After getting screwed out of his 'inventing the interNET' Nobel Prize for all around awesomeness, he hopes to make up for it through his various pursuits & excessive interest in over regulating everything. TEN!! TEN!!

8.)}]/:\;,= TEN new movies a year will be successful, and TEN will be unsuccessful. TEN will become classics, TEN will go straight to DVD. TEN will be seen by you, TEN will be seen by me. TEN will be unknown, TEN will become cult classics in TEN years, and TEN will lead to divorces, suicides and plagues. TEN will feature people who are not famous, and TEN will have really really famous people in them. TEN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CONCEPT IN ALL OF MOVIEDOM!!

9.)}]/:\;,= 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10- TEN is the TENTH number. it is also the TENTH letter of the Sanskrit alphabet. It is also a delicacy south of South America, where every year TEN hunters risk their lives to bring back TEN for their hungry villagers (I just betcha). TEN HAS THE ANSWER TO WORLD HUNGER!!

10.)}]/:\;,= TEN FBI agents are going to read through the above trivial factoids and search their files for unsolved crimes involving any of the above, and I am going to go to prison for TEN years. When that happens, I won't be able to do that in-depth report on Madagascar river life. TEN IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR HAPPINESS!!

So as you can see, the number TEN is important to our economy, crucial to our existence and fundamENTal to mankind. Because of TEN, we invENTed everything that has been invENTed and made life a better place for everyone. And as usual, antiMusic has been there since the beginning to see it happen & review it so people could be in ignorance no longer! And for how many years has this been going on? TEN!!

As an added bonus, Keavin is in a partying mood, and he requested that this article also help people write better resumes! If you copy & paste all the sentences written in capital letters, and replace the word TEN with either "I" or "me", you will add punch to your snoozefest resume! Try it, it's fun! TEN TIMES THE FUN OF MY LAST ARTICLE!! (don't copy & paste that one, I was just playing with the caps lock.)