GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Ahoy Droogs and Devotchkas, hope all has been well and the great bob smiles upon all that you do. Here in Greenmuse�s monkey pit all has been wonderful, more so since I finally picked up Joe Strummer's �Streetcore� album. Wonderful is all that I can say about it. Plus the monkeys here in the pit like to dance to it and we must keep the monkeys happy. But enough of all this talk of music and monkeys. 
 
Last month the subject of cool was brought up and it is a very important thing in the great scheme of things. Cool is like space and time, it holds a valuable place in the order of the universe and without it the world as we know it might very well end in a fiery orgy of death and destruction . Sure, on the surface, discussing if someone is cool or not might seem like something from the pages of �Teenbeat�. Completely off the subject, but related to �Teenbeat�, the other night I saw a new Hanson video. Scary stuff to think Hanson mania might make a comeback. Though I give them props, I fully expected the youngest one to have died of a heroin overdose, and the oldest one to become embroiled in the world of adult film acting, and of course, the middle one to finally admit the fact that he is in fact a girl. And for the record, Hanson does not have cool. Back to the subject at hand. Cool is something one is born with, it can�t be faked or bought, though sometimes it can be absorbed by osmosis but that is something for another article. 
 
By now you might be asking what is cool exactly? Well, no one knows. It�s the sum of many factors in a persons being, the way they talk, the way they carry themselves. In short, just who they are. Cool defies age--for instance, Iggy Pop, old as dirt, but cool as hell. It is of my thought that cool as we know it began with Frank Sinatra, and his cool factor was only bolstered when Sammy Davis Jr. teamed up with him. Up until Frankie, the world was locked in a bitter cycle of being square. 

A little know fact is Hitler was jealous of the Jews being able to claim the Marx Brothers and 3 Stooges as their own. The Germans didn�t have anything to match to the proto cool factor these legends of comedy possessed. There was a scheme to try and smuggle Frank Sinatra into Germany and make him perform for the Furher, but it fell through due to ill planning and taking a backseat to trying to teach the army enlistees the goosestep. Now think of where we would be today if the Nazis had their priorities straight, something to think about. . . . When all was said and done though the Nazis did give one cool thing to the world, the VW Beetle, which is now a bastardized version of itself, but at least the old ones are still around. 
 
Sadly this day and age, cool isn�t to be found so easy in the new crop of humans, which perhaps this is the way things have to be, too much cool in the world and its the fiery orgy of death once more, always with the fiery orgies of death. Nowadays the top rank of cool belongs to Lemmy, followed closely by Paul Simonen of The Clash. Paul always was, and will be the coolest member of The Clash. No matter how old and haggard these chaps get, they only get better. And as you can see, Lemmy is awfully haggard. Oddly some people only get cooler with age, take Johnny Depp for instance. Back in the days of �Nightmare on Elm Street�, he wasn�t so cool, not at all really. Then with �21 Jump Street� he had a tiny bit of cool, though women thought he was nifty as all get out then. Still he offered nothing for the guys other than "why can�t you look like Johnny Depp" questions from the men�s wives. Johnny also is responsible for a bad haircut that looks really stupid on anyone but him. Remember back in the day when a lot of guys had that same �21 Jump Street� do as Depp? Simply atrocious. Since those days he has only gotten better and now has achieved that level of cool which puts him up to the levels of Samuel L Jackson. 
 
So there you have it an article that really goes nowhere, but attempts to shed some light on this much misunderstood topic. Until next month Droogs, remember if you shake your willy more than 3 times. . . Your playing with it!

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at [email protected] (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...)