with DeadSun

You've seen him in Fan Speak all around the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his very own talk show,  The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show. 

disclaimer for lawyers and dumbasses: Please read the disclaimer before proceeding with this article. the disclaimer is included here-in by reference.

If you are under the age of 17, this article is not meant for you so please bugger off. For those too lazy to click what follows is parody and celebrity a**holes are impersonated

Host DeadSun : �Hi there. Are you the sort of person who finds MTV �like SO hot�? Are you up to speed on �who said what to who� behind the scenes of American Idol? Are you one of those hominids who ends words ending in a final �S� with a final �Z� --- for example, the word BOYZ--- because it�s all the rage? 

If you answered in the affirmative to any of these questions, then you might want to find a lonely corner somewhere to nuzzle up to and quietly end your life, because this is the DeadShow, a place where you and your ilk are treated like the ass-brained lemmings that you are. Here, you are beneath contempt. 

Now, before we get going, I�m going to kick things off in the usual manner--- by �cueing up� ( read : plugging ) a song by one of the most interesting and talented artists of the past forty years ( and no--- it�s not anything by USHER, you colossal dickhead ). 

( Hit stage lights, and cue Frank Zappa�s �My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama� ) 

DS : �Man oh man, now there�s a big, stinking slab O� Rock n� Roll. Exquisite. Welcome back, all you malcontents out there in cyber land. Welcome to the May installment of the Not Quite-So Dead Show. As always, I am your humble host, the crass bastard� er� the Dead Sun. 

We�ve got a lion�s share of irreverent silliness in store for you this month--- we�re going to heed the sage advice of Old Man Jones, a 97 year-old man who is just a touch out of step with the trends of today. Also, we�re going to have Moosey Elliot� I mean, Missy Elliot� on the show with us. Hell, we could just throw her a box with a triangular hole, and a square peg, and amuse ourselves for hours on end, let alone allow her to form sentences--- that�s got some real promise, let me tell you. Thirdly : we�re going to bring on an Emo-kid, and laugh at him when he starts weeping for no apparent reason. If we can�t first laugh at others, how then are we to learn just how precious the gift of laughter really is? 

We�ll be right back with the Not Quite-So DeadShow--- but first, a word from our sponsor.�

( Cut to commercial for OffStar�s on board vehicle assistance system )

Narrator : �The conversation you are about to hear is true. It occurred between an OffStar subscriber and an OffStar customer service assistant. This was not scripted. They are not actors.�

Service Rep : �Thank you for calling OffStar, my name is Brian. How may I assist you this evening?�

Customer : ( panicked ) �Ah, yes� HELLO? Yes� I have um, locked my keys in my vehicle. It�s running, and my two-year old child is in the back seat! My God, WHAT DO I DO?�

Service Rep : ( suavely ) �That�s not a problem at all, sir. I�ll just need you to tell me your home telephone number.�

Customer : �Yeah. Okay. Uh� my cell phone number is��

Service Rep : �No. Your HOME telephone number.�

Customer : �Sorry. It�s 617-555-0735.�

Service Rep : ( sounds of computer keystrokes in the background ) �Excellent. Okay sir, our satellite will be sending a signal to your vehicle, instructing it to unlock its doors in just a moment.�

Customer : �REALLY? That�s terrific!�

Service Rep : ( laughing modestly ) �Oh it�s no trouble at all sir. Thank you for using OffStar, and have a great��

Customer : �Hey now that I think of it, I can�t remember what the capitol of Sri Lanka is. ( panicking ) OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?�

Service Rep : �Don�t worry, sir. I can help. I just need to access our computer database. AH YES, here it is : the answer is Colombo.�

Customer : �MAN that was a close shave. You�re good. Hey, what did I have for breakfast this morning?�

Service Rep : ( momentary pause ) �Our records indicate that you had an English muffin with butter and jam, a bowl of Mega Fiber Cereal, and a glass of orange juice.�

Customer : ( panic sets in ) �--- but what about DINNER tonight? OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?�

Service Rep : �Well, let�s just link up to the satellite, shall we? Let�s see here. ( typing on his computer ) Ah yes--- you�re going to have stuffed chicken breast, green beans, and broccoli with cheese sauce.�

Customer : �Oh no� my left eye� it�s itchy. WHAT DO I DO?  I�M POWERLESS!�

Service Rep : �Hmmm� let�s check that out. I�m going to tap into our satellite system, which will send a signal to your right arm, instructing it to scratch the area of your eye that itches.�

Customer : �This is fantastic! I don�t have to use my brain ever again! ( sharp pause ) WAIT! DEAR GOD--- I CAN�T FIND MY ASSH*OLE WITH BOTH OF MY HANDS! WHAT DO I DO?�

Service : �Not a problem at all, sir. Simply start at the crack of your buttocks, and trace your fingertips down their inner edges, until you stumble across a fleshy, puckering hole.�

Customer : �Wow. It worked! You guys are the best! Thanks again!�

Service Rep : �You�re welcome sir. Once again, thank you for using OffStar. Good bye.�

( End OffStar commercial spot )

Host DeadSun : �Man I love that spot. It really gets to the heart of what modern living is all about---  gadgetry which further advances our quest to put our minds on auto-pilot. Gorgeous--- and SPEAKING of modern living, I think it�s high time I brought on our first guest. He goes by the name of Old Man Jones. He�s bitter. His perceptions of the world are out of whack. He�s 97 years old. He�s here to take part in our discussion this month. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Old Man Jones.�

( Enter Old Man Jones, cue up �In the Mood� by the Glenn Miller Orchestra )

DS : ( approaching old man Jones ) �How are you, Mr. Jones? It�s really a treat to have you on the show. I hope that-�

( Whacks DeadSun�s shin with the end of his cane ) 

DS : �YEOW!�

Old Man Jones : �Get the hell away from me� hippie. You�ll step on my god damned bunions, and I�ll end up missing Bingo this coming Tuesday.�

DS : �Um� actually sir, I�m not a hippie. In point of fact, I have an acute dislike for them, largely due to their-�

*Whack*

DS : �OUCH! Damn it, knock that off!�

Old Man Jones : �Don�t you back talk me. What are you on? You god damned kids are always lookin� for kicks, cruising around town in your hot rods, scoring dope from the pusherman--- WELL I WON�T HAVE ANY OF IT� little bastard.�

DS : �What are you talking about?�

Old Man Jones : ( looking around the studio ) �Is this the Dairy Queen?�  

DS : ( looks nervously at the audience ) �Why, NO it isn�t. This is the DeadShow, sir. You agreed to come on and talk about current music and entertainment with us.�

Old Man Jones : ( startled ) �Jumpin� Jesus! Who the hell are YOU?�

DS : �Oh dear� um, right� tell you what� why don�t I bring out our other guests, okay?�

Old Man Jones : �Well, I suppose� but MAKE IT SNAPPY. ( takes out his pocket watch ) I�ve gotta eat some food, so I can take my god damned pills for my hip.�

DS : �Well then, without further ado, please give a warm DeadShow welcome to hip hop sensation Moosey Elliot, and some Emo-kid who wants to whine about a girl that broke up with him.�

( Presses red button on his desk marked �Applause�. Enter Moosey Elliot and Emo-kid. )

Moosey : ( struts out rapping ) �If you is a h-o-e, get a j-o-b� I�m h-o-t, on the t-o-p.�

DS : ( turns to Moosey ) �Tell you what--- YO--- if you can sit down, and go for two whole minutes without saying something that reveals you to be the sweaty throwback from the Paleozoic Era that you are, I�ll give you some peanuts.�

Moosey : �Some p-e-a-n-u-t-z?�

DS : �Yes indeed--- in fact I�m led to understand that elephants are rather fond of peanuts.�

Moosey : �Why you be all hatin� on Moosey fo? I gotz da MAD flow, yo!�

DS : �Oh yeah. You�ve got the flow alright, and I can presently feel it flowing right down my intestinal tract. Tell you what, here�s a squeaky chew toy. Why don�t you have at that for a few minutes?�

Moosey : ( gnawing on chew toy ) �Yo, �dis be da BAWMB, dawg!�

Old Man Jones : �Is Dwight Eisenhower still president?�

Emo-kid : ( getting upset ) �Why isn�t anybody noticing me? ( getting choked up ) I feel so� so invisible.�

Old Man Jones : ( looks over at Emo-kid ) �What in the hell is wrong with you? ( turns back and faces audience ) You see? This is what happens! Those god damn flower children wanted to raise their kids differently, so what do they do? I�ll tell you what they do--- they pump them full of soda pop and those damned VHS video games, that�s what they do! Now my dander�s gotten up, and I�m gonna have to take my blood pressure pills, you ungrateful bastards.�

Emo-kid : �Who�s being ungrateful? I don�t need this abuse. ( eyes start welling up with tears ) My girlfriend cheated on me, and I-�

*Whack* 

Emo-kid : �He hit me! That crazy old man HIT ME!�

Old Man Jones : �You�re darn tootin� right I hit you. I�ve had about all I�m gonna take of your pinko sob stories. When I was coming up, we used to work 37 hours a day, and if we were lucky, we�d get to suck the moisture off of the factory walls, while the boss pushed thumbtacks into the back of our legs, and that was when I was seven.�

Moosey : �Yo old man--- mah chains be jang-janglin�, and mah booty be dangling. You be feelin� mah fresh cuts?�

Old Man Jones : ( Looks at Moosey, and jumps in his seat ) �What the hell are you supposed to be? You look like a circus bear dressed up as a jewelry display. Get the hell away from me. ( points his cane at her ) I�ll bet you�re one of them god damned beatnik Nazi communists. You punks drive me to drink with your loud clothes and your Bebop record albums ( takes a flask from his shirt pocket and sips on it ). What�s wrong with your eyes, young lady? Have you been taking the pot?�

DS : �No Old Man Jones. You see, Moosey isn�t high--- she�s just dumb, hence the glazed over, vacant look in her eyes.�

*Whack*

DS : �God DAMN IT! Why do you insist on hitting me with that cane of yours?�

Old Man Jones : �Because she�s young, and all you hipsters are always hopped up on something. I see it on that Oprah program all the time. ( Takes a sip from his flask ) That reminds me--- what the hell is this hip hop stuff anyway? ( points cane at Moosey ) Sounds like one of your flashy disco dances, if you ask me� hippie.�

Emo-kid : �Doesn�t anybody want to hear about my suffering and deep loss?�

DS : �Will you please just shut your d*ck holster? I mean--- Christ on his throne--- you said in the pre-show interview that you�d been with this girl for THREE WEEKS. Have a drink, hit a punching bag, find another girlfriend, and tell those f*ckin� whiney, neurotic Emo bands to stop butchering the remnants of a once proud, backboned Punk sound. The end.�

Emo-kid : ( starts weeping,  and grabs a bottle of pills away from Old Man Jones )

Old Man Jones : �What are you doing? Gimmie my pills back!�

Emo-kid : ( swallows all of the pills ) �THERE. Now I�ll be gone, and it will be your fault. You�ll all be sorry! You�ll all be sorry!�

Old Man Jones : �If anyone�s gonna be sorry around here, it�s gonna be YOU, you little hooligan. You just gulped down a week�s supply of oral laxative.�

Moosey : �Yo, you be all like bein� all cryin�, n� sh*t.�

DS : �What the hell was that, English? You�re a trend, donkey girl--- and you�re an idiotic trend at that. Your rise to stardom is a living testimonial to why direct democracy will always be beyond our reach.�

Emo-kid : ( his eyes suddenly bulge from their sockets, he clutches his abdomen ) �Oh my God. Where�s the bathroom?�

DS : ( rubbing chin thoughtfully and smirking ) �Gee. You know, it�s funny--- I use it daily, and I just can�t seem to recall where it is.�

Emo-kid : ( running around in circles ) �WHERE�S THE BATHROOM? HELP! I�m going to� I�m going to��

*Plop*

*Squirt*

DS : �You see? Now you have something to be genuinely upset about. Heh heh heh.�

Emo-kid : ( crying uncontrollably ) �I sh*t my pants! ( sob ) I can�t believe this! My girlfriend left me� and I sh*t my pants ( wails ). I hate all of you!�

DS : ( laughing uncontrollably )

*Whack*

DS : �Okay, WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME?�

Old Man Jones : ( accusingly ) �Because you�re in one of those street gangs, damn it.�

DS : �WHAT?�

Old Man Jones : �You heard me, buster. That�s what that loud rock music is all about  ( Takes a sip from his flask ). Did you just sniffle?�

DS : �No. I did not just sniffle.�

Old Man Jones : �Have you been tootin� up lines of that rogaine stuff?�

DS : �You mean COcaine?�

Old Man Jones : �I don�t know what the hell you punks call it. That�s what all this music garbage is about, god damn it. It�s about dope and necking with broads. You god damn liberal pinko commies come around with your gangs, your bellbottom pants, and your free love--- and all of a sudden I�m labeled �the square who digs Robert Goulet�. I can remember when you could get a loaf of bread and a hot shave for two bits. My pop would take us down to the penny candy store every Sunday, and I would get a pickle out of those old wooden barrels. Those were the days, boy. I wish that---�

DS : ( sensing that a very, very long-winded monologue is about to take place ) �OKAY, I guess that�s all the time we have for this month. ( Old Man Jones is still rambling in the background ) I want to thank Old Man Jones for coming on. No one leaves empty handed, and so Moosey will be given an edition of Hooked on Phonics and ten free lessons with a licensed speech therapist. Emo-kid� well� we�re going to throw him a 12-pack of Charmin and an inflatable date. I hope all of you have a fantastic month, and I�m going to close the show with a song written by that legendary outfit, �The Melvins�. This song is off of the �Stoner Witch� release, and it�s called �Revolve�. This is the DeadSun, signing off.

( Roll end credits and cue up The Melvins� �Revolve� )