with DeadSun

You've seen him in Fan Speak all around the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his very own talk show,  The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show. 

disclaimer for lawyers and dumbasses: Please read the disclaimer before proceeding with this article. the disclaimer is included here-in by reference.

If you are under the age of 17, this article is not meant for you so please bugger off. For those too lazy to click what follows is parody and celebrity a**holes are impersonated

( hit stage lights, and cue the Rollins Band's "Disconnect" )

Host DeadSun : Ah yes--- there's nothing quite like a little Rollins to start the day off properly. Gotta love it when the good Reverend Rollins lays it on the line. Good, good stuff.

Well, here we are as Spring starts to stir in the air. I am your humble host, the DeadSun, and this is the March installment of the Not Quite-So DeadShow. What does that mean? It means unbuckle your seatbelts, remove those irritating safety helmets, and assume the crash position, because THIS month's serving of sardonicism is titled "Madonna's Crisis of Identity".

Have any of you ever wondered to yourselves how all of these air-brushed, bleached, as brained Pop Divas continue to enjoy the level of market saturation that they do? Of COURSE YOU HAVEN'T, because insightful minds such as yours already know how and when all of this came to--- the answer is "Madonna".

From her humble origins, when she brought new meaning to the word "overgrowth" posing nude for a certain erotic magazine, to her latest identity morph into a spiritualized bulwark of socio-political thought, I think Madonna's clever "identity morphs" ought to be given to ailing people as an ipecac solution. Granted, until recently many of those varied disguises of hers made a lot of the "right" people a neat little pile of cash--- which is fine--- but as middle age sets in, it's getting demonstrably harder for the goose to keep laying those golden eggs. How come? 

The reason is fairly straight forward: because the buyer's market for consumers who desire seeing some 40-plus year old trollop, fannying about with birthday party hats on her boobs, and making out with religious statues, is RATHER tiny--- if you catch my drift--- and so for the past several years, the "search has been on" for fresh replacements, and as ANYONE with at least one good eye can see, we're now UP TO OUR F*CKING NECKS in them. Take my word for it, just ONE "pop tart" was nearly unbearable--- let alone three, or four, or eight. Unfortunately for us, however, we're living in the NEW aeon, trumpeted in the year 1984 : "You know that we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl."

The year is now 2004, and we're standing in a PILE of "material girls"--- and it's starting to smell like low tide at the ocean.

Now : I'm sure that you're all feeling a bit impatient for me to bring the Material Girl out and commence with the unmistakable "DeadShow" treatment that our malcontented audience has come to expect. First, though--- a brief word from this month's sponsor:

( cue spoken advertisement for "Hippie Chic" designer fragrances )

Are YOU a full time student between the ages of 18 and 22? Are YOU an enthusiast of all-things hippie? You know who you are. You've got the Birkenstocks, you've the endless supply of certified organic trailmix, you're nearly doubled over from your vast supplies of over-priced-yet-non-materialistic Phish merchandise, you've got the Grateful Dead stickers on the rear window of your parent's SUV--- HELL, maybe you've even got the falafel and chilled sesame noodle salad--- but do YOU have that authentic "hippie smell"?

Unless you've adopted the hygiene practices of a sow who rolls around in her own waste matter, we at "Hippie Chic" brand designer fragrances say : WE BET YOU DON'T!

No worries, though--- because you, YES YOU, can now have that eye-peeling hippie smell whenever YOU want it! NO KIDDING!

Be the life of the smoke-out or the protest! Just doll yourself up with a few daubs of our enchanting top-seller, "Body Odor Bliss", and you'll be fighting off the advances of flaky women with bushy pits in NO TIME FLAT--- GUARANTEED! Is there anything else? You bet there is : we offer a broad selection of authentic hippie fragrances, such as "Urine Stain Euphoria", "Pungent Nutsack Nirvana", and our most recent venture with ice cream manufacturer "Jen and Berry's", "Fecal Patchouli Paradise". 

Don't wait! Get a bottle today--- and REMEMBER--- if you act now, for a limited time you will be automatically entered in our GRAND PRIZE DRAWING, where you'll have a chance to win ONE of the ten remaining hippies left over from the 60's! WOW!

( end advertisement for Hippie Chic )

DS : Heh heh--- good fun. That "Body Odor Bliss" really strikes a chord of truth with anyone who has ever wandered into a hemp clothing store to browse--- but NOW is the time when we bring out this month's special guest--- and so without further ado, here she is, the provocateur herself: Madonna.

( Cue applause light, along with Madonna's "Material Girl". Enter Madonna. She is dragging a large trunk behind her. ) 

DS : "Alright alright. Enough of that song already. Ten more seconds of that, and a registered nurse will have to come out and anesthetize me."

Madonna : "I don't know why you played Material Girl, Mr. Sun. That's simply not who I am right now. Do you know exactly how many identity changes I've gone through since 1984?"

DS : "No I don't, though I'm SURE you plan to tell me..."

Madonna : ( before answering, she removes some items from the trunk, and puts on a long, black wig, then perches a plastic crow on her shoulder ) "I've gone through 287,934 different identities--- counting THIS one--- and each new incarnation is a bold artistic statement. Everything I do smashes all previously established boundaries of convention. I am virgin. I am mother. I am whore."

DS : "You are pretentious. You are donkey. You are--- well, the whore bit is actually DEAD ON, so we can leave that one alone."

Madonna : ( a new identity emerges : she removes the black wig and stuffed crow, streaks her hair pink, puts on a pinstriped business suit, and two big plastic clown shoes ) "No, Mr. Sun--- you apparently don't get it. You see, my controversial veneer of image over substance is an ironic testimony to the ethos behind consumer driven Pop culture."

DS : "Really? It was ALL OF THAT, was it? All I see is a transparent hand puppet wearing different costumes to dress up cheesy dance music. There's nothing controversial and shocking about that, let alone IRONIC. Pop culture is plagued with perfect facelifts and empty heads--- it fits you like a glass slipper. I fail to see any irony. Sorry."

Madonna : "WAIT... I've just had a flash of artistic brilliance... one which captures my recent quest to explore the very essence of American lore."

DS : ( arching his eyebrows, and in a flat tone ) "You have?"

Madonna : ( removes her top, puts on a rubber Richard Nixon mask, and starts finger painting "peace signs" on her breasts with butterscotch pudding ) "There. Isn't this a BOLD and provocative statement?"

DS : ( dials outside line on studio speaker phone ) 

Voice : "Vittorio's Gondola, can I help you?"

DS : "Is this Marco?"

Voice : "Yeah..."

DS : "Hey Marco, it's DS. Listen--- do me a favor and cancel my lunch reservation. I just lost my friggin' appetite until Easter Sunday."

Voice : "Don't tell me... Madonna... she's grossin' you out again? Just thank God she hasn't started RAPPING yet... f*ckin' awful."

( hangs up ) 

Madonna : "Rapping is just another vehicle that I put to use in my expressionistic attacks on the senses. I am so controversial."

DS : "Yeah--- your rapping is an attack on the senses, alright. I'll bet there wasn't a single Madonna fan that had an unoccupied bathroom on the day they heard THAT for the first time."

Madonna : "WOW. You're a hostile prick, aren't you?"

DS : "Yes I am. Particularly towards HACKS like you. Let's not pretend what "talents" you put to use 20 years ago to get yourself where you are today. I'm sure over the past two DECADES you've taken some singing lessons and learned a little music theory, but I also find the fact that you still opt to lip sync during your live performances to be MIGHTY revealing."

Madonna : ( furious ) "I AM AN ARTISTIC VISIONARY!"

DS : "Look jackass--- you're obviously suffering from a cranial-rectal inversion, because in the minds of THINKING men and women, there's nothing VISIONARY about sucking tongues with two plastic surgery disasters who are half your age."

Madonna : "You leave Britney and Cristina OUT OF THIS."

DS : "Why should I? You're LARGELY responsible for their careers. they're your indirect offspring. I even hold you responsible for Courtney Love, too. Take away the heroin, and you two addle-brains are like twin sisters who have probably boned all of the same men."

Madonna : ( stands up ) "I AM VIRGIN. I AM MOTHER. I AM---"

DS : "You are nuisance. You are pissing me off. You are getting THE F*CK off this show."

Madonna : ( storms off the set in a huff ) 

DS : "Good riddance to bad rubbish. Now before I go and scour myself with steel wool and rubbing alcohol, I want to thank you folks for checking in, and I'm going to close the show by playing a song by a band who were honest-to-goodness musical visionaries. So I'm going to kick back, and help myself to a bit of Sambuca. The song is called "Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath", and--- if I need to tell you who it's by--- then you're probably a true-blue Madonna fan who now wants me dead. This is the DeadSun, signing off. Salute!

( roll credits, and cue the immortal "Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath" )