with DeadSun

You've seen him in Fan Speak all around the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his very own talk show,  The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show. 

disclaimer for lawyers and dumbasses: Please read the disclaimer before proceeding with this article. the disclaimer is included here-in by reference.

If you are under the age of 17, this article is not meant for you so please bugger off. For those too lazy to click what follows is parody and celebrity a**holes are impersonated

( hit stage lights, cue Ministry's "Thieves" )

Host DeadSun: ( yelling along ) : "Thieves! Thieves and liars! MURDERERS!"

Woo boy, will I ever grow weary of THAT "snappy" little number? Umm... nope. Welcome, welcome. Thanks for coming in and joining the fun. I am your humble host, DeadSun, this is the January installment of the DeadShow, and we're going to summon up a few bits of good cheer in just a moment. 

I've named this segment "Bulls(hit) on Parade". This is a reference to the song "Bulls on Parade", which was performed by the now defunct band "Rage Against the Machine". 

RATM are known to be a group who made bold and witty political statement--- for instance, guitarist Tom Morello wearing a red baseball hat that had the word "Commie" written on it. Bold, Tom. Very bold. 

You see ladies and gents, to sophisticates such as Zach de la Rocha and company, the notion that consumers should have the right to decide for themselves which companies they choose to do business with, and that the private sector control the means of production, is looked down upon as tyrannical and barbaric. To the likes of you and I, this oppressive force that enslaves us is better known as "the free market". Now, I realize that so many of you cannot get enough of Zach de la Rocha's SCATHING exposures of the "power whores" who are ever-engaged in a some shadowy plot to control our minds--- and so for this installment, Zach is going to come on the show and "teach" us how to open our eyes--- which is to say, to view the world the way in which ZACH views it.

Now, we at the DeadShow love too go the extra mile, and so in addition to Mr. de la Rocha, we are also going to have Avril Lavigne come on as well. You see, because Avril is undoubtedly the tr00est of the tr00 when it comes to being a "punk rawker", and Punk music is often steeped in anti-establishment sentiment, my feeling is that Avril will be able to submit some healthy commentary into the debate. Would you believe that there's MORE? Would you? 

The DeadShow has created a new position. We have granted a lucky iconoFAN the title of "Sergeant at Arms". He is known to all in this land as the Hobo. Sergeant at Arms Hobo will be assisting the DeadShow in matters which require--- shall we say--- corrective actions. So without further ado, please welcome the Hobo!

DS : "Come on out,  Hobo--- welcome to the DeadShow."

 ( cue Slayer's "Angel of Death", enter Hobo ) 

DS : "It's great to have you here, Hobo. By the way, did you remember to bring the billiard stick?"

Hobo : "No worries, mate. Got it right over there. I like the Slayer bit, too. Can I crack somebody open with the billiard stick now?"

DS : "Soon, Hobo. Very soon. In the meantime, why don't you have a seat over there, and drink as much coffee as you can."

Hobo : "Coffee? Coffee sounds damn good to me."

DS : "Alright. Before we bring Zach annd Avril on, we've got to do the DeadShow News Flash--- so here we go."

( cue DeadShow News Flash music ) 

Our top news story of the week: panic gripped the planet yesterday when the citizens of the world learned that as many as FOUR HOURS would pass before another band would release a cover-version of Bob Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door". Although the property damage costs caused by the Heaven's Door Scare of 2004, as it has come to be known, have not been calculated, damage from the riots will undoubtedly reach into the billions. The riots which ensued have been reported in such diverse places as London, Moscow, Kyoto, New York, Cairo, and a small fishing  village on the coast of Sardinia.

( is handing a breaking news document by the Hobo ) 

This just in: the DeadShow has just learned that the riot which broke out in the Sardinian fishing village was unrelated--- I repeat--- UNRELATED to the Heaven's Door Scare of 2004, but in fact started over a controversial photograph of Madonna having oral sex with King Henry VIII. Neither Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera could be reached for comment.

In other news: pop star Michael Jackson may not be the only celebrity with legal troubles as of late. Over the weekend, actress/comedian Roseanne Barr was charged with one count of disturbing the peace, and two counts of assault and battery. Rose apparently started a fight with another patron of an all-you-can-eat Steakhouse buffet over a food item that Barr described to the police as "something that smelled like bacon". Sources close to Roseanne speculate that she may be looking at some jail time for this incident. If convicted, this will be a second offense, due to an incident last October, when she was caught on a security camera wrestling Kelly Osbourne over a rotisserie chicken.

--- and that's the news according to DeadSun. We will now at this time bring out our two guests. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you Zach de la Rocha and Avril Lavigne.

 ( cue black and white stock footage of old ladies clapping ) 

DS : "Well, well, well--- Zach and Avril. Take a seat at the discussion table. I think that we're going to have---"

Avril : "Can I just say, before we begin and stuff, that like... I LOVE your show Mr. Leno."

DS : (Shakes head in disapproval, motions to Hobo ) 

Hobo : ( now sufficiently caffeinated, rises from his seat and swings the billiard stick across the side of Avril's head, then proceeds to strike Zach in the face with it )

Avril : "YEOW!"

Zach ( pleading ): "I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING DUMB!"

DS : "That was for when you DO. Now to the discussion at hand: Mr. de la Rocha, is it true that you are well known for belief in a bitter class struggle, a struggle which occurs between the "haves" and the "have-nots" of a given society, in which the common laborer is held in virtual slavery by a group of "power whores", as you would call them?"

Zach : "That's right. We've got to take the power back. We've been put to sleep by a system, Mr. Sun, one that does not want us to acquire an understanding of who we really are, and where we should be as a people. We are slaves to the money god."

DS : "Uh huh--- and as a person who has sold millions of records, and has prospered greatly from merchandising, touring, and extensive marketing campaigns, would you say that you are one who HAS, or one who HAS-NOT?"

Zach : "Uh... yeah... I would say... no, I can't say that... I mean.. I HAVE more than most people... no that isn't right... (comes back into focus ) LOOK Mr. Sun, the system has been perpetrating its imperialist lies for over five centuries. We have been brainwashed by the wealthy, white---" 

Hobo : ( cracks Zach with the billiard stick ) 

DS : "Hmm... that's probably going to swell up, Zach. Avril, any thoughts?"

Avril : "Well like... I can really really relate to what that guy in the dreadlocks says, 'cause I'm a punk, you know. Like, I wear combat boots, and crazy-colored nail polish and stuff. So it's like... no one can tell me what to do, you know?" 

Hobo : "DIE." ( brings the billiard stick down on top of her head ) 

Avril : ( swaying in her seat ) "I'm all like, dizzy and stuff. Are we back in Canada?"

DS : "Back to you,  Zach. If the struggle between class and race is still bitter, and revolution is imminent, how can people become part of the revolution?"

Zach : "By purchasing my records."

DS : "How's that?"

Hobo : "What?"

Avril : "Like, I can close my eyes and touch my belly button at the same time."

Zach : "That's right, DeadSun. With every CD sold, the people will come closer to snapping out of their complacency. Verily, Che Guerva's might grows with every Rage Against the Machine poster and T shirt purchased. DOWN WITH CAPITALISM! BUY MY STUFF!"

DS : "Your stunning display of hypocrisy irks me. (shifts position in his seat ) There. You have now incurred my ire. Make with the billiard stick, Hobo."

Hobo : ( cracks Zach in the neck )

DS : ( smiling pleasantly ) : Hmm... I DO feel a bit better now. Thank you. I needed that."

Zach : ( rubbing his neck ) "The system has gotten to you, DeadSun. You are too blind to see it. Act NOW. Thumb your nose at the power whores. You--- even YOU, Mr. Sun--- can join in the revolution, all you need to do is buy a Rage Against the Machine CD and poster."

DS : "I see. Mr. de la Rocha, does the term anus-brain mean anything at all to you?"

Zach : "Oh, I see how it is. You were sent by the power whores, weren't you? That's why you're tyrannizing over me. The revolution will find you, Mr. Sun. There is no escape. FREEDOM!"

DS : "Ladies and gentlemen : I rest my case."

Avril : "If you don't like, ask ME a question... umm... I'll like TOTALLY start using swear words. Just like a rebellious Punk Rawker. Totally."

DS, Hobo, and Zach : "SHUT THE F*CK UP!"

Avril : "This is like, SOOOO un-Punk."

DS : "One more peep out of you, donkey girl, and I'm going to tell Kelly Osbourne that you taste like hot dogs."

Avril : (starts to sob)

Zach : "Are we through now?"

DS : "Almost, Zach. I've saved the BIG surprise for last."

Zach : "Surprise?"

DS : "That's right. I've done you a big favor, Zach. Seeing as you are SO vehemently against materialism and social privilege, I have given your house over to a group of would-be street dwellers."

Zach : "You did WHAT?"

DS : "Oh yeah. I sure did. That isn't all, either. Along with your spacious house, I've liquidated all of your assets and donated the proceeds to charitable organizations--- after all, possessions and wealth are merely implements of the power whores, right? These are immoral vices, which are clearly beneath a man of your ilk. You can thank me now."

Zach : "I feel nauseous."

Hobo : "That's probably from me hitting you with the stick, mate."

DS : "You should feel great, Zach. By relinquishing all of your prize possessions, you have made an important contribution to the fight against the system--- and because you're SUCH a fan of revolutionary socialism, the DeadShow has booked you on a one-way flight into Cuba. Once there, you and Fidel can spend your days bemoaning the evils of the imperialistic, capitalist swine--- well--- unless he doesn't have you tortured to death for any reason."

Zach : "I AM NOT GOING TO CUBA! FREEDOM! FREEDOM!"

DS: ( escorting Zach out of the studio ) "Have a safe trip, Zach. Be sure to write. Oh yes--- I nearly forgot--- your clothing and shoes will be taken from you before you board the plane. After all; they were manufactured by greedy, corporate power whores who exploit the masses. (winks and smiles ) You'll be better off without them."

Hobo : (hits Zach as he is on the way out ) 

DS : "Well, that about wraps things up. Revolution is fun, isn't it? I'm sure we'll all sleep better knowing that Zach is finally free from the imperialist lies perpetrated by the wealthy white devils who wield the reigns of power. I KNOW I WILL. This is the DeadSun, signing off."

(roll credits, cue Black Flag's "My War" )