The oxymoron known as "Canadian entertainment" has proven itself more useless than one of their "pennies" tossed into our toll booths. They think the worst television show in the history of the planet should find a home in the hearts and living rooms of Americans. Even though this demographic is fabled for their high tolerance for tv shows that suck, greed has obviously blinded their reason. This has the potential to help the nation's financial picture a great deal.

This attempted assault is a declaration of war, since "Blood Ties" has no fans in it's frozen homeland of universal healthcare, crappy "musicians" and a profound misunderstanding of what constitutes quality programming. Although Canada should be invaded immediately for violating all we hold sacred, it's better to retaliate by inviting Canadians to join the cool new pyramid scheme we invent.

In the spirit of keeping the peace, and only fighting one war at a time, here are my helpful suggestions for those involved with this show.

I'll start with the "actors":

QUIT SUCKING AT ACTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even children and people of below average intelligence are capable of making squillions of dollars in this line of work!

Ignore the peer pressure from the rest of the cast and deliver your lines so they don't imitate an artificial, stilted reading. If you sound natural, rather than moronic, maybe people will quit mocking you to your face!

Try to be "nuanced" in your "acting". If you miss the hyper exaggerated overacting, then whenever you're handed the script, throw a well rehearsed scowl at the scriptwriter that makes use of every muscle group in your face, melodramatically rip your fingers through your hair, squint in disbelief, moan your loudest exasperated sigh, then pound the table before stomping away in a huff, throwing your hands theatrically in the air as you rage that you can't act with such atrocious writing. (When the writer turns away to cough politely in response, see? Even the writer that sucks thinks you're a joke!)

Ok, onto advice for the script writers.

DON'T SUCK AT WRITING!!!!!! People gotta watch this crap, and some people even hafta memorize it. Keeping this festering garbage barge afloat depends on you, pal! If you hate being under that much pressure, take up a relaxing hobby, like painting, sailing, or clubbing baby seals.

When clich�s pop into your head as you're writing dialogue, either reject them entirely, or get them right. All changing one of the words does is make you sound like a hack that's too stupid to get a clich� right! "Easy as falling off a dog" doesn't sound right no matter what country it's uttered in.

All your ideas about grocery stores, police stations, libraries, private homes, etc. seems to have come from American tv shows. Take some tax deductible field trips and see if what you "know" is even close.

Every time the effeminate vampire announces he's a writer, I almost wet the bed laughing. Aren't there enough far fetched plot devices in every episode? Obviously vampirism, not writing keeps him from starving to death, cuz everyone knows your alter ego's books wouldn't be good enough to be mediocre! They'd be plagued with 2 dimensional characters and predictable plot lines clogged with unbelievable coincidences! No one would read more than a few pages, cuz every paragraph would be crammed fulla worn out ideas and retread phrases!

If you actually expect anyone to watch this show and like it, (forget Americans; we are so spoiled we totally WON'T!) then make sense. Cell phones in unincorporated America rarely get a signal; do you actually expect us to believe that in middle of rural farmland Canada they do? Dead bodies are never discovered in dark, quiet houses inhabited exclusively by the deceased in the middle of the night cuz why the f*ck would they be?! Cops don't go door to door in a residential neighborhood at 3 in the morning looking for leads from the neighbors, cuz "if you're beating my door down in the middle of the night, you better have a warrant, or my lawyer will be in touch!!" is how it would go. Families that are lying to the cops to cover something up either hide or threaten the younger children to prevent them from blurting out information implicating mom/ dad/ sis/ grandpa Joe. Americans have rights when they are busted, and portrayals of heavy handed Canadian 'justice' freaks us out. If the cops here locked someone up in a little room with no food or water or sleep or toilets and grilled them for 36 hours on the word of some phantom 3 am witness that helpfully rolled out of bed to chat, we wouldn't submit to even 36 minutes of that bullsh*t!

OK, enough about him. Now, onto the director!

It is possible to encourage people to do a better job without sounding vicious. I dunno how, but you should try, because an irreconcilable ideological difference exists between you and everyone on this series. You're not making porn, yet everyone connected to this series either sucks or blows. My advice is to get those pink slips flying before you need free antibiotics or drug cocktails you have to buy here cuz they're too advanced and expensive for your non insurance plan.

No one gives a sh*t about the main characters; they are too wooden. Don't believe me? Kill one of 'em off. I promise no one will notice or care.

No one gives a sh*t about any implied romance, cuz straws in a box have more genuine chemistry, and toothbrushes in a plastic holder have more realistic romantic appeal than any of these puppets.

No one gives a sh*t about the 'paranormal' stuff, cuz viewers have to choke down too many wrong details regarding the normal stuff to swallow any more. Your writer is a hermit! Drag him out into public sometimes!

Your 'scary' sound effects maybe don't suck, I dunno. I constantly drowned them out with hysterical laughter. Do you have humans doing all the animal screaming/ roaring sound effects? Is that considered innovative, or is a PETA activist your animal cruelty monitor?

The dim lighting in every scene doesn't add mystery, or murky depth; it highlights how unfamiliar with the concept of "overdoing" things you are. Ask yourself, are Canadian municipal buildings, car washes, tattoo parlors, hospital operating rooms, etc. really illuminated by only a 45- watt bulb? If you can't afford the electric bill, and your sunshine is taxed at the same 50% rate that pays for your socialized medical system, email Keavin your physical address- I'll send this DVD back to you and you can sell it on eBay! I only watched the first show, I was physically unable to watch the rest, so it's only slightly used.

Finally, some notes for the producer.

Smashing "Twilight", "The X- Files" and random cop shows together into a TV series may sound like a good way to cash in. But does a series about an effeminate vampire "author" and "his" unconvincing beard girlfriend that does unexciting, not suspenseful private eye jobs looking for predictable "supernatural" phenomena for her brutally unqualified cop friend that looooves ham sound even close to you?

Has it been a while since you've seen whatever they call a 'profit and loss' statement in your industry? Cuz WOW! No way you're making any money from this series!

Just because your mailbox isn't full of threatening letters and envelopes leaking vomit and excrement doesn't mean this show is any good; you should watch it sometime, and see for yourself.

Since no one in Canada likes the show, spend money improving it. Hiring quality people is expensive, but ask your present writer for a clich� about making money. I couldn't live with myself if I wrote here.

This show is completely unwatchable in its present state (and country), so consider outsourcing it to California. All that tax free sunshine enables them to be really good at churning out derivative tv shows that Americans inexplicably like to watch, that don't suck as voraciously as your little project does. Let the experts drag you up to the bottom rung of the cesspool ladder. "Blood Ties" will never be at the top, but at least it won't be under the bottom of loads of crap. You might actually sell some commercials! (And you'll pay a MUCH lower tax on your income�.for now, anyway.) [actually a lot of film and TV productions are moved to Canada to avoid California's insane taxes - ed]

Forget the lucrative American market till your new and relocated staff gets the issues tackled that I've outlined for them, or put a hollow point in the heart of this money sucking monster. You'll thank me someday!