Commercial rappers need to be slapped, and then slapped again! I say commercial rappers because our hardcore rap friends will quickly point out that there is a difference between underground (real) and commercial rappers. To be perfectly honest, I can not vouch for that fact, but since I know in metal that there is a difference between Motorhead and say Limp Bizkit, I have to take the word of these hardcore rap fans at face value.

Why should commercial rappers be slapped? Let me slapp the ways!

The Lame Name Game.

If we were to compile a Top 100 list of the stupidest stage names in music, I would predict that two thirds of that list would include rappers. How can we take these people seriously when they have names like p.diddy, 50 cent, Young Buck, Chingy, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Nelly, Ja Rule, Trick Daddy, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Vanilla Ice, Juicy J, Lil Boosie, LL Cool J, T-Bo. I could go on for days listing stupid rapper names. It sounds like half of them went to a preschool and asked the kids to devise their stage names. How else do you explain a grown man going around calling himself p.diddy? With a straight face nonetheless! I thought these guys were supposed to be tough, but there is nothing tough about a guy named Nelly.

It's an OG Thang.

The stupid names are one thing but it seems these rappers also have a tendency to do stupid things. A week doesn't seem to go by without us hearing about a rapper pulling something stupid.

A big for example is Young Buck. What kind of a genius pulls a knife in a crowded room with TV cameras rolling? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that your actions are going to be witnessed, let along captured on tape! For this brilliant move, Young Buck needs to change his name to Dumb Phuck!

What about the late rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard? The guy that took a limo to the welfare office, called a prosecutor a "sperm donor" in open court and returned to a court-ordered rehab after a court appearance drunk and carrying a bottle of booze. Yes, it was funny and the poor guy kept us amused with his antics, but this is how we will all remember him now; not for his music.

And you would think after these guys make a lot of money they would no longer need to carry on with their "gansta" ways, but they stay "legit" by pulling the same crap they needed to "back in da hood" to survive. Just this week Black Rob was captured on a surveillance camera going into someone's hotel room and emerging a couple minutes later carrying a purse. I won't begin to go into rappers killing each other, only to release a dozen posthumous cds.

Retards Attempting Poetry.

These rappers might be able to get away with the stupid names and silly antics if they had something important to say with their "music". Sadly, commercial rap has very few profound moments. Instead we are treated to barrage of vapid lyrics about "bling, bling", the rapper "gettin' paid," how much of a "pimp" they are, and not to mention the unending sexist raps about "b*tches" and "hoes".

I don't know who came up with RAP being an acronym for "retards attempting poetry," but they were right on the money. Most of these raps are about as deep as spit on a sidewalk. I thought Motley Crue had some really stupid lyrics but some of these rappers make Vince Neil sound like Shakespeare.

Exhibit A ("Juice" by Chingy):

Juice these hoes (what), juice these hoes (say it), all my playas grab ya nuts and juice these hoes (come on), juice these hoes (what), juice these hoes (say it), all my playas grab ya nuts and juice these hoes, (u tell her)Trick get back (uh), trick get back, (u tell her) trick get back, for ya ass get smacked, (u tell her) trick get back (what), trick get back, (u tell her) trick get back for ya head get cracked

Exhibit B ("Lets Get it" by p.diddy with G. Dep and Black Rob):

Make this money / Take this money (Let's get it) / Ain't no way you can take this from me (Let's get it) / Ain't sh*t funny (uh) / Shake it honey (Let's get it) / Take it money / Now let's get it (Let's get it)

Exhibit C ("Make Money By Any Means" by 50 Cent):

It ain't easy to make money (Whoo) / So now everybody wanna take money (Uh huh, uh huh) / You ain't a thug, matter fact you a fake money (Take money, uh) / F*ck wit mines, I'ma view you at ya weight money / It ain't a game

Exhibit D ("Greed, Hate, Envy" by Nelly):

I - opened up shop at 13 / Dimes, dubs, quarter sacks and O-Z's / From hand-held, digital to triple-beam / Now my pa-ger's an e-mail flip screen / Expanded my game off into amphetamines

Enlightening, engaging and inspiring isn't it? Out of concern for you dear reader, I didn't dare to include Missy Elliot lyrics, which can cause your IQ to drop 20 points just from reading them. But you know what? I really can't blame these rappers for "makin' bank" with this crap and "getting' paid". It's all about supply and demand, so the ones that really need to be slapped are the people that actually buy this stuff. There is a sucker born every minute. I think of commercial rap as the modern music business version of the "pet rock". Tell people something really stupid is cool and they will buy it. So maybe they don't know any better? Maybe that's why they always misspell the name rap? It should be spelled c-r-a-p, but the c is silent.

I gots ta go now and get da hook up wit some pimp juice! You can sound off now and call me a hater. But you know what? I'm just keepin' it real!

Peace out!

SS