Singled Out: piKzil's Brand New Soul

piKzil released their debut album "Songs From My 3rd Life" and to celebrate Liza Oxnard tells us about the song "Brand New Soul". Here is the story:

My mom is a feminist. Growing up, she always made sure we saw the gender inequities around us. And she was a commanding presence, with her 6 ft frame and a clear strong voice, she would quote "a woman's place is in the house and the senate", the declaration from the women's movement of the 1970's. She made sure that each of her daughters understood that we were in no way to compromise our viewpoints, our life's goals, or our sense of self, for a patriarchy that was doing everything it could to send the opposite message. But I am a product of my culture along with my upbringing. So, no matter how hard I try to stay conscious of the ways in which my culture limits me and the ways in which I self limit, I still struggle each day to continue to believe in my own viewpoints, my goals, and myself. Add becoming a mother in a culture that doesn't value mothering, aging in the business of entertainment and you end up with a potentially toxic soup of self-doubt and self-censorship.

I spent decades wavering between feeling powerful and incapable depending on what I was doing at the time because society sends a clear message to girls and women. And the message is this - You must be young, pretty, smart, and accomplished, and above all, not complain if you want to play in the patriarchal playground.

After having my first daughter and taking time off from music to raise her, I suddenly felt judged for my choice to not "step in", a term defining women who continue to work full time after having kids. I wanted to take time off and be with my baby. It was shocking how quickly my cultures' perception of me changed. I had been a "rock star" in their eyes for years, as I toured and released albums, and cultivated a national following, but then on a dime, they started asking me loaded questions at parties like "What do you do? Are you only a mom"? I would answer with something like "I am a musician, but I am talking some time off right now to be with my child", and they would move on to talk to someone else.

Over those several years, it dawned on me that I was committed to shedding the negative disavowing voices around and inside me, no matter what I pursued. Music and songwriting have always been my passion and gift, so even in those years I was still writing, learning and enjoying different ways to express my musical creativity. And then it became time to get more serious again. But this time, it wasn't just about me any more; I now had a beautiful dynamic daughter who was looking to me for guidance. I wanted to raise her by modeling self-love, self-actualization, and teaching her to value herself even when the world wasn't meeting her halfway.

Songs From My 3rd Life is a transparent and honest micro and macro panorama of my life as a woman. It took me 3 iterations of my lifetime to find my own true voice...And in that process I realized I am no longer willing to recede into the background or sugarcoat my viewpoint for anyone.
Which leads me to Brand New Soul, a very personal story about my many-year-struggle with infertility. Before this self-epiphany I think I would have hidden this part of my story. Reproductive issues are a taboo subject that clears a room faster than a faulty smoke alarm. But NOT talking about this issue, that has plagued women and couples since the dawn of time, would be a disservice to all women and to myself.

After several miscarriages over 6 years, I understandably felt disheartened. I happened upon a presentation by my friend Jamie Janover, who had been travelling around talking on Nassim's Unified Field Theory. In Nassim's Theory, humans are 100 trillion cells made of billions of atoms each, so we are made of quintillions of little black holes. We are all vortexes in space-time, curling to stillness. We access that stillness is by pointing our attention inward, yet knowing we are connected to everything around us.

This put an image in my mind of "a spark of dust". The universe began with an explosion, like all life. That was very meaningful to me at the time because of the fertility rollercoaster my husband and I had suffered. The experience had left me with so many conflicting perspectives on what was happening and why.

What was emerging was my ability to be present in my grief but at the same time accept what was happening. I am a spark of dust in this huge universe too. So why should I expect certain outcomes just because I want them? That question helped me take each day as it came and do my best. Women have had to deal with losses like this for millennia.

The experience helped me see how very mysterious life is�what a strange miracle it is to create life. It is so tangible for some and so fleeting for others. What helped me through the tough times was feeling connected to something bigger and more universal than myself.

Hearing is believing. Now that you know the story behind the song, listen for yourself and learn more about the album here

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