Lindsay Lohan - Speak 
by Joannie Foney

Lindsay Lohan - Speak
Label: Casablanca / Universal
Rating: 

Some girl named Lindsay Lohan has just declared war on the pop music scene, unleashing the musical equivalent of a Sarin gas attack on an undeserving public with the release of her album, "Please Don't Boycott the Pop Music Station for Playing This!" or something like that. I've never witnessed such an unbridled hatred so cleverly channeled & slickly packaged since the last Osama Bin Laden tape. What fuels LL's deep, festering, loathing of her fans? What follows is an open letter to her. She can read it while she slurps down caviar from gold dishes as she lay on her yacht barking at her servants to turn down TRL and reposition the anchor so the sun's not in her eyes while her overpriced, trendy, puppymill product of the moment runs in circles yapping hysterically as it flees from invisible demons. 

Dear Lindsay, 

Since you're only 4 years older than my oldest child, I will try to be kind, even though this album of yours makes me want to go out and mow down bunny rabbits & kitties and duckies with an M-16 till my ear drums explode & ooze down the sides of my head. I think such a thing might be less painful than listening to your album again.

Man, Lindsay, what did your fan base of little girls & drooling men do to you to make you detest them so much, that you'd inflict this musical torture on them? I know kids rarely think about the consequences of their actions until it's too late, it's part of being too young or too surrounded by bootlickers to make good decisions. But here is something I want you to think about. What if this, your latest contribution to humanity, forever warps little girls' perception of what constitutes good pop music (if there is any such thing)? How can you, their role model, teach them by example that what's mediocre, boring & unoriginal is permissible as long as it has the potential to make tons of money? Isn't that maybe a teensy weensy bit on the irresponsible, not to mention cruel & unusual side? 

C'mon, now, be honest! Those people support you, and look up to you!  Spend some time considering that before you go back to your indolent, self-indulgent lounging. Oh yeah, one more thing--Brittney Spears and Mandy Moore, & Ashlee Simpson don't epitomize good music. What's popular rarely translates into what's good. Broaden your horizons a little before your next album!**

Stop reading this now, Lin, the review is about to follow, and I really don't want you crying over some old lady's low opinion of your CD.

Cordially, 
J.F. 

From the opening strains of the "Pretty Woman" sound- alike tune, featuring 'speaking in time to the music' style "singing" on the first song called "First", (helpfully, I might add, given the average age of the fan who will buy this CD), words don't suffice in expressing how horrifyingly bad & yet shockingly bland this CD is. You should listen to the copy you need to buy in order to start an April Fool's Day gift exchange at work in honor of this release so you can hear for yourself. She tries so hard to be all things to all people in the hopes of encompassing a broad range of fans that enjoy a variety of musical styles, attempting in vain to fiendishly suck ignorant, hapless victims into her vile musical clutches on this bloated vanity release. 

"Nobody Till You", is a typical failed example, grinding along sooooooo slooooowly for a pop song that I end up frustrated & disgusted with myself for not being able to pin down exactly where on the musical spectrum this would crash land, & who would share the territory in this category. 

I wish I listened to slow, boring, music like a normal grown up, then I'd know what to call this. Well whatever music of that ilk is, this is much worse. It's too bad I told Lindsay to stop reading back there, she'd come in pretty handy about now- for the life of me I can't remember where the piano intro on "Symptoms of You" is ripped off from. Who sang that 80's cheese ballad, "The Way it Is"? That's where it's from. (Bruce Hornsby & the Range �ed) Well, to be fair, maybe she wasn't born yet when that song came out, and when the studio musician played it for her she just though it was pretty, or something. Lindsbrittinay Lospearshan also provides a techno-ish song, a couple disco-ish songs (or whatever disco-ish music is called these days), and a slow, draggy, really excruciating song where she actually attempts singing without slick studio effects & 87 back up singers. 

The last song I want to mention is "Disconnected", the tribute to Beethoven's masterpiece, "Fur Elise" that falls well short of the mark. Of course, by Beethoven tribute I mean it's just a song with Lin's version of singing while the guitarist riffs through the scales like he's giving lessons. "Fur Elise" is the song to jam out to if you want to hear someone tearing up a musical scale. Plus, there are no plain yogurt vocals to bore you to sleep on the Beethoven song. 

Oh, well, at least the lyrical content on this CD is deep & excellent, taking to task discrimination, mandatory sentencing guidelines, unfair business practices, the evil of estate taxes, and whether morality is fluid or fixed. No, I'm just kidding! She sings about boys, boyfriends, boyfriend's ex-girlfriends, if boys like her, what she likes about boys, etc. I could almost feel my brain cells atrophying & dying as she unconfidently stumbled her way through the lyrical content of her songs like a drunk with a fresh head injury. 

Some musicians recycle their tunes, she recycles her (??) words! Two such songs will please the Sesame Street set with their cutesy 'let's say the opposites' game. Can't remember which two songs, they all sound alike. When you listen to this CD before passing it on to one of your coworkers, you'll hear which ones I mean, if you make it as far through this CD as I did.

  **Although the very existence of this album defies rational explanation, which if she weren't some girl named LL this album would never have been released I have extremely grave news. SHE HAS A CONTRACT TO RELEASE 4 MORE!!!! No, that's NOT a joke- it's a threat you should take extremely seriously! Cancel your subscription to cable or satellite & cover your windows with duct tape and garbage bags to keep your family safe!!