Transient Tractor - Failure
About "Let's Get Dolly":
In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer
known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted.
That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented
and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know
this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward
to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have
been sitting around for a while. I named a few and he shook his head
and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of
those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's
get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out
her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not
learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about
Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest
contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these
cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor
antiMusic.com
This review is no doubt going to take weeks
to get just right, since this release by American Idol Records is so excellent,
so deep & meaningful, and it is so educational. I have learned so much
about that TV show that if I labor away on this review for 3 years, still
it will lack the wonderful perfection of this release. But, since it is
imperative that you antiKids rush right out there & buy this release
many times over, this review will have to be thrown together as an appetizer
to introduce you to the sonic brilliance of Transients Make the Best Tractor
Trailer Operators. For instance, did you know that with every American
Idol CD purchase comes instructions for erecting a shrine to whatever artiste
you are interested in furthering the career of? So ever since I heard this
stunning debut, I have been slaving away trying to locate & purchase
sufficient quantities of plywood, rats and cats so I can sacrifice them
on the altar devoted to my newest, bestest deity, Tractor Trailer Pileup.
All I can do is beg you to do the same, and then wholeheartedly launch
into the life of crime he seems to advocate. This release will strengthen
you to the point where you'll not only be able to smash your head through
bank vaults, you'll actually want to!
I'd be ignoring the best part of this
release if I didn't include information Mr. Transient sent in on his sad,
miserable life. His real name is Chris Cortelyou, and he really, really
wants your sympathy! Knowing that people are out there feeling sorry for
him is the juice he swills to keep his strength up, the glue he uses to
hold his shoes together. So love him, cry over him, and most importantly,
financially support him! He lays bare the tear inducing story of his life,
his many failed attempts at holding a job, his inability to live in the
present, preferring to write mainly about his glorious high school years,
and the myriad opportunities, good times, and life's experiences that so
enriched his stay on this planet during those best of times. Don'tcha just
love when people's fondest recollections remain firmly wedged in their
years between ages 14 & 18? Such a Peter Pan like man! His one song
that isn't about his high school years is about what a drag it is to hold
a regular job. I'm sure many unemployed, homeless immature childmen can
relate to that sentiment!
Unfortunately in his bio, he trashes Beck
& the Strokes, maybe someone from those bands once robbed him at gunpoint
& stole his all food stamps, he doesn't say, so I'm forced to speculate.
He gives a most puzzling description of what his music sounds like, which
won't help you as much as my review, because he seems undecided about whether
he's a poor singer, or one you should rush out & hire. Actually, since
he needs the money so badly, maybe you should hire him to sing at the next
state sponsored execution, and give the poor sap that's condemned to die
the opportunity to look forward to death. He claims his music is both dense
and high energy. Dense is such an odd way to describe his release, although
I agree wholeheartedly!
He also calls himself a 'rock icon'. Hmmm,
let me look that word up, such another colorfully descriptive way to describe
his CD, he's really teaching me some new words today! (I just love Encarta!)
"ICON-1. i�con or i�kon religion image of holy person: a holy picture,
carving, or statue of Jesus Christ, the Virgin Mary, or a saint, especially
an oil painting on a wooden panel, used in worship in the Eastern Orthodox
churches;" Oh! so that's what the point of the 'shrine assembly instructions'
in the liner notes of his CD is! HE wants your worship as well as your
tears and money, so get busy! "2. computing picture on computer screen:
a small image on a computer screen that represents something, for example,
a program or device that is activated by a mouse click or a trash bin for
unwanted files." Yikes, so that's what that little picture of a garbage
can on my desktop that suddenly appeared is! You see what I mean about
his poor self-esteem? AntiKids, you must go out & buy 87 of these CDs
NOW! Cheer up poor little Peter
Chris Pancanitelyou! Now onto the icon
worship!
I had to listen to this CD over and over
and over, dividing my time between hearing his soothing, utterly atonal
voice droning on and other times only noticing his evil back up band playing
as LOUD as they could in an effort to drown him out. It was the equivalent
of a musical tug o' war competition with each team vying to be the only
sound dancing it's way out of the speakers. As I listened, a powerful hypnotic
spell overtook me. I don't know where I went, or what I did, but when I
came to, I found myself in a cave in Tanzania, my left eye was poked
out, and I could no longer understand English, nor remember how to drive
a stick shift. Suddenly I remembered I could never drive a stick shift!
It was a mental breakthrough made possible by the most influential release
of this finest CD ever released. After days of rehab, a crash course in
both English as well as stick shift driving instruction, I regret to report
that the lack of a left eye has adversely affected my depth perception
enough that I lost my driver's license permanently. If only I had erected
the shrine & sacrificed the requisite number of snakes and bats, this
tragedy might have turned out differently! But then again, with the inability
to drive comes lots and lots of time to play in my American Idol shrine,
catch critters, and play this CD!
So before you wake up to find that you've
made the same mistake as I did, let me just warn you to follow the directions
for the 'An Idol of my Very Own to Worship' shrine assembly directions,
locate the appropriate critters, and take care of business BEFORE listening
to this authoritative CD. You will be so glad you did! This CD is like
nothing you've ever heard before!! While I was awaiting my new glass eye
to come from eBay, I was able to locate the man behind Trailer House Spare
Tire Failure, and send him 347 emails featuring virtual crying & screaming
and other general idol worship.
His kids were kind enough to respond, though
their answer was shocking. They claim they don't even like their beloved,
worship worthy master and father to read to them! In their ungrateful opinion,
his voice is completely lacking in cadence, utterly incapable of expressing
anything in any tone other than the one he employs throughout this CD.
I tell you, such brazen audacity, such rudeness to the idol left me choking
back my tears on the phone, terrified to show my deep feelings which now
border on obsession to such heartless jackals & jackasses. How such
a massive musical figure could beget such demons is a mystery.
All I can say to them is, I hope you find
yourself in a cave somewhere with your EARS torn off, since obviously you
are deceived by them!! I can't stress enough how great this CD truly is!
Imagine going to the best Karaoke bar in town, and getting to hear every
businessman, middle management and accountant in town monocroonactically
murmuring away till before you know it, your eyes start shooting blood,
your head collapses and explodes in a fiery inferno that performs the largest
mercy killing on record, with everyone within the bar's four walls falling
prey to your odd demise. This CD is so
much better than that!! Especially when
you add the fun and profit of killing animals in midnight ceremonies to
appease the idol of Tractor Heart Failure.
Track 3 is my favorite, featuring the
bold new recording strategy known as monotune. With this strategy, there
is absolutely no risk of ambiguity, no ups and downs of Mr. Trailer House's
unique voice. Having said that, however, I'm certain that every track on
here will soon be your favorite, as they all sound so similar to each other!
The track called, "Monkey" had him lamenting his invisibility. I am SO
glad we don't get to pick our afflictions!! Could you imagine how empty
life would sound if he had been born mute? Hopefully his fiendish kids
don't sever his golden vocal cords before he can release
his next 15 albums! If a second album
never materializes, I'm calling the cops!!
By the track, "Weak", his rotten kids
negative campaign against their daddy is evident with his weepy ballad
lamenting his weak vocal skills. I cried along with him, cursing his kids
for poisoning his mind! People need idols to hero worship, and because
of his jealous kids, the world supply of rodents and reptiles might be
safe as Mr. My Ex Wife's Boyfriend Stole the Tire Off My Trailer House
might just decide to quit in acquiescence to his kids' sadistic verbally
abusive power play. He needs to ship those little earless pups off to boarding
school! "My Truck" was similarly sad, with him admitting that he is homeless,
so given that information, don't just buy one of this release, buy 14!
You can afford it & he really needs the money!! "All the King's Men"
has him singing optimistically about what life will be like once he's famous,
something only you antiKids can make happen, so get busy!
This CD is so great, offering so many
songs for your money, 23 songs!! Since this is an unheard of quantity for
a CD, reward his hard work and his steady voice ranging all over the one
note he likes best and buy this CD over & over again! Buy one every
time you go into town! Buy one every time you head home from work! Buy
one on line every time you log onto AntiMusic! Buy one wherever you buy
your bread & shoes! In fact, declare a fast & spend your month's
grocery money on this CD, as many copies as you can find! My new deity
commands it!!
Note: we are too lazy
to fact check but let's just say you can take the "facts" in this review
with a pound of salt.
CD Info and Links
Transient Tractor - Failure
Rating: x
a million
Hear
it for yourself
Visit
the official website for more on the band and their new CD!
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