Thunder Lords � Noisy Songs For Noisy Kids

About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while.  I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor antiMusic.com

I am writing this to you from behind bars. Turns out it's illegal to have your own underage children tattooed, as if this is any of the governments business!

I got them tattoos because I had to! You see, after much pressure from the Children's Department of Unwelcome Services, or whatever they call themselves, I had to insist my kids stop listening to their fave metal bands, the Kill Your Mothers & the good ol' Obey Us, You Mindless Feces after enraged parents complained to the sheriff when they caught my kids handing out these CDs in the school yard after hours. So needless to say, my kids have been furious with me. What's a mom to do? I rushed them to the Ye Olde Haus of Tat, to make up for the cruel punishment I inflicted on them as per the government's command only to be arrested for felony tattooing of a minor. Sheesh, this Patriot Act just goes too far!

So I petitioned John Ashcroft & the FCC & demanded that they assemble a metal band my kids could listen to & not get me into trouble with. So the Classical Music Industry of America (CMIA) came up with a band called Thunder Lords & released an album called "Noisy, Not Good Noise for Noisy Kids Who Should Listen to Classical Music Instead"

This is exactly what this house needed! Now the sounds of Beethoven, Bach & Brahmas fill the house, and life around here is so much less violently aggressive.

The first song, "Old Man Olaf" was such a surprising introduction to these MEGA talented classical musicians that my kids almost ran away from home in a tearful rage at being forced to listen to something of this caliber. Fortunately, after catching them, tying them to a chair & immersing them in this one song, they are now zombie like (as in undead, not Rob) in their droning adulation for this festive tune that eventually gets better as it progresses. I for one admire the way they combine a generic nursery rhyme tune with a workmanlike pseudo metal 'jam'. As this song played in the brainwashing chamber over & over & over I reflected on how clever the CMIA is, to add to their fans by showing gullible kids how much metal really sucks, when it sounds like this!

The next song, "I Like Dirt" was so devilishly creative I couldn't help but to invent a new word to celebrate! Here is my shiny new word, with a made up definition: Monostaccato-The complete absence of inflection in notes cut short, crisply; detached: staccato octaves; Marked by or composed of one note delivery of abrupt, disconnected parts or sounds! Cool, huh? Classical people say their music makes people smarter, yet with this CD I'm adding definitions to the dictionary, yeah! Metal Rules (but this doesn't, as it's a ploy by the CMIA to get kids to hate metal, don't be fooled!)

"Ice Cream Headache" was so interesting that I couldn't help but to ruminate on all the dads there are in metal land. Let's see, there's the new Korn Kid, there's some Ozzy kids, there's...uh, a whole buncha kids, legitimate & otherwise spread out all around the globe. And this CD is the very best all the metal dads in the universe can come up with to give their kids. It probably has the Metal Dad Seal of Approval! They must totally love their kids to refuse to release anything by an all star dad band, to force their kids to appreciate the music which pays the bills 'round their house rather than the far superior genre of Classical, or opera music. This one CD is going to result in all those metal kids making their dads proud by taking up the cello, or becoming male ballerinas. I had no idea that metal dads didn't mind their kids' musical tastes being molded to the CMIA's agenda! All parents should parent, like that!

With "Table manners for Vikings" I couldn't help but to think of Sponge Bob. When I was a kid, cartoons were great! Today they suck, and Sponge Bob is the Suck King, taking sucking to new depths & levels. I don't know why Sponge Bob was so on my mind during this song, I hate him so! What a helpful song critique this is, I know, you're welcome! I tell you, the brilliance of this CD puts a whole new spin on craftiness in reverse psychology.

With "Table Manners for Vikings" I couldn't help but to get the sneaking suspicion that this CD was one big musical slap from the CMIA. "Here's what we think of the garbage you listen to" was this song's insulting subtitle. Sure enough, more of the pseudo guitar metal, as though any metal head could listen to this along with the kiddies during the hearty bounce on the bed time. 

"Growl Like a Lion" reminded me of Sponge Bob again, going on & on with no point, just boring, stupid, pointless noise, you fiendishly tricksy CMIA! Not only trying to help us culture our kids, but turning them off to suck king cartoons! Thank you a million times! 

The "can't wait till this CD is over" song, subtitled "Song about Nothing" was not a 1 minute song of silence, as the title implies, it actually has musical (to use that term lightly) content, and clever lyrics reading from the Roget's all the different ways to say "nothing". Watch out, SAT test, my kids know some words now! "Night of the Living Lunch" was incomprehensible, in another attempt by the CMIA to show us their opinion of metal vocalizing & how their genre is the way better one.

The Teapot song, or "Diaper Fudge", as it's subtitled, was hard to pinpoint who it was aimed at. Kids old enough to get the joke are too sophisticated for this type of music at this point in the CD, preferring the rollicking strains of Rachmaninoff. Kids just starting to learn this classically beautiful song will hate it, as the song is sung fast enough to frustrate wee ones & drive them safely into the arms of Edgar Allen Poe lookalike Hector Berlioz. 

The best song on here was an Iron Maiden contribution, "Run to the Hills, We No Longer recall How to Play Our Instruments". I don't know about you AntiFans, but I just love songs based on someone else's! It's been many years since I heard this Maiden classic, and what a clever way to  teach kids that plagiarism is wrong, by demonstrating that people who 'borrow' never do it as good as the originals! 

Such an educational CD! How could anyone not rush out & buy hundreds to give away as baby shower gifts?? That's what I plan to do with the 4 metric tons I ordered just now! You do the same; you'll never look at metal (or classical) the same way again!

(Now if only the local cops took CDs as bail bond payments!)
 

You can send love or hate mail and PETA approved Fur gifts to Dolly at [email protected]

Thunder Lords � Noisy Songs For Noisy Kids
Rating: 
 

Listen to Samples and Purchase This CD online

Visit the official website for more on the band and their new CD!